Q & A

As an unowned female is it automatically assumed at a kinky space that I am suppose to do whatever the Dominants want or am I allowed to assert boundaries ?

Absolutely not. YOU determine your boundaries and YOU ensure that they are enforced. That means THEY are to respect your boundaries but they cannot do that until YOU make them known and clear. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly we seem to forget the ‘C’ in SSC. Until you explicitly consented to be treated otherwise, you have every right to be treated how you’d expect a stranger in a bar, a bank teller, or a grocery store clerk would. This should be a given, but the SM community is no different than the community at large wherein people will push, subvert, manipulate and otherwise strain the boundaries of propriety out of some misguided sense of entitlement. Yes its sucks, but its also true. Its also true that noone is going to do the heavy lifitng for you.  Being owned or unowned does not change your status as a human being, nor does it affect your personal responsibilty. So figure out what your boundaries are and ways to communicate them to ensure you get treated the way you ought to be.

How would you handle an order to give your Dominant  oral sex under the table at a restaurant?

I’d tell that ‘Dominant’ to take a hike. Again, the ‘C’ in SSC is being grossly overlooked in this scenario. My refusal to engage in such a request has nothing to do with my limits, personal comfort levels, the depth of my submission or anything else. It has everything to do with the consent of those around me. Yes, the fantasy of giving head under a table in a resturant is a hot one. But its just that, fantasy. Next time you are sitting down to dinner in a resturant, look around at the patrons next to you. Do you REALLY wanna see Mr. Pervsalot be sucked off by Ms. Suxacok? Yeah, didnt think so. And they most likely have the same thought about you. Yes you are beautiful and special, just like everyone else. But unless its in a resturant you have rented out for the evening and sent the staff home (they dont wanna see it either, noone gets paid enough for that in the service industry) or you are in a space spefically designed to accomodate such goings on (read: kink events with rules stating that sex may be engaged in and overseen, enter at your own risk) keep your fantasies of public showings of your kink where it belongs: in your head, in your writing or in your bedroom.

Have you ever had period where the D/s aspect took a back seat for a bit and the Dom and sub interacted more like equals on a day to day basis?

Well, much as we may lament it at times, fact is none of us live in Roissy. And here in this wacky place I like to call ‘the real world’ (yeah I’m a true fringe kinkster) things happen that trump kink. Shocking, I know. I also know that there are those of you who are balking at me right now saying ‘Nooooo! Its my lifestyle! Nothing will EVER make me put it second!’ I applaud your enthusiasm and determination, but I’d also like to be there when the cops show up and you explain your lifestyle to them when they come to investigate because little Bobby told his teacher all about how awesome his parents are and that Daddy beats mommy with belts and big sticks till she cries and she cant wear tank tops in public and that even mommy says ‘Yes, Sir!’ in his house! Yes its extreme. But if you never plan for the extremes you are gonna be slapped with the cold hard wet fish of reality someday. Things happen, financial stresses, infidelity, changes in preferences, illnesses, on & on ad infinitum. Almost every ‘hard core’ D/s couple I know has gone through periods of ‘equality’ due to outside factors. Sometimes the D/s finds its way back, sometimes it morphs, sometimes its gone for good. None of these are inherently good or bad. BDSM is, if nothing else, an exploration. And as any good explorer will tell you, its about the journey, not the destination.

I’m kinky, most of the people I interact with (coworkers, family, etc.. ) are not. What do I say when they ask how I have been what I’ve been up to?

With as little information as possible. Well, first decide how much you want them to know. If its not much, which is often the case, then give yourself permission to answer without really answering. You are under no obligation to give any more detail than you wish to give. I run into this alot with family:

So, what did you do this weekend?

Not much, went to a party.

You sure go to alot of parties (said with an accusatory tone and raised eyebrow)

Yup! I have tons of great friends and they like to celebrate alot! What did you do this weekend?

Thats another one, misdirection. Turn the conversation back to them as soon as you can. If nothing else in this world is true, this is: people LOVE to talk about themselves. Use it to your advantage.

Other good ones I have heard: meetups for internet groups (most of us do spend a fair amount of time online) , book clubs (most everyone I know has a favorite passage from some BDSM related book), theatre groups (wardrobe, roleplay.. what we do IS quite theatrical you gotta admit), and the best one yet: Groups for People with Special Needs!

So I went  out this weekend and while we were dancing  a man (not my owner) slapped my ass so hard the people around us heard it and gasped. Normally I would have kicked him in the knees or screamed and stepped on his instep but a month after giving in to be owned and liking the being smacked hard by my owner I reacted totally differently.  I panicked, I got upset and I ran out . Now i worry that I cant defend myself like I used to…. any advice?

Yeah, grow a pair. Sorry to be so bitchy and blunt but good grief. I’ll grant you once you delve into submission you find out alot of things about yourself you never knew were there. But you are still YOU. Why would you NOT protect yourself now where you would have a month ago? A dead submissive is no good to any Dominant. Now regardless of your ‘being owned’ status my view is, unless you consented to that interaction its wrong and you should take appropriate measures. But, if you are struggling with it in context with your being owned look at it this way if it helps: as ‘property of some sort or another’ your job first and foremost is to protect your owner’s goods: you. In other words, its your number one priority to keep yourself in the best shape for your Dom at all times.

Allowing someone else to touch you

A) is an insult to you and your Dominant

B) could lead to physical harm to you ergo damaging Master’s goods and

C) can leave you mentally rattled for at least some period of time so that your effectiveness as a submissive is lessened.

NONE of these is in any way benefiting you or your owner.If you need an SM context to give you the justification for standing up for yourself, there it is in black and white. But my friend, it is my earnest hope that you will do so simply because wrong is wrong no matter if kink is involved or not and you deserve to be treated as such.

Upcoming Events

In the coming months Kink In Motion will be all over the place! Look for me at these and other events:

You Cant Make Green Without Yellow

I have heard lots and lots of debates on the merits and drawbacks of safewords. Are they necessary, are they effective, is someone who yellows a wuss or are they a person in control of their own safety, etc, etc, etc. There are lots of good, intelligent, well articulated arguments for and against the use of safewords out there… this aint one of them.

Yellow is for people who don’t really want to let go of control, while pretending that they do.

First off, this is BDSM. We engage in varying degrees of role play frequently. Ever hear of consensual nonconsent? Rape fantasies? (emphasis on the fantasy part, please and thank you). So why the inherent sarcasm which seems to imply that anyone ‘pretending’ to relinquish control is somehow inferior to someone who ‘actually’ does?

(the ‘pretend’ and ‘actual’ are in quotations since the debate on what types of play and players are real and what aren’t is a chicken and egg deabte of the worst type and would need an entire website full of hundreds of entries to even begin to cover it. So we’ll just leave that for another blogger to cover and assume a level playing field here)

Why is one type of role play considered hot & another considered less than in some way? Whatever the reason, it’s silly. If we were in the business of doing things the way the majority rules there would most likely not be any BDSM in the first place. Let’s show some solidarity? Why the phrase ‘your kink isnt my kink but your kink is ok’ isnt just spouted but embraced remains beyond me. Long story short: your way works for you, their way works for them. What they do in no way directly affects you in any negative way so stop with the false superiority.

But more than that, calling yellow or at least knowing that you can and it will have the desired effect is not a placebo. Its a lubricant.It does not inhibit a scene, it allows it to happen in the first place.

In three years of being with my primary partner we scened countless times and I have called yellow once. In that same time I have bottomed to a dozen or more people at varying levels of intensity and have never called yellow. Yet every single time I’ve scened I know without hesitation that if i feel i NEED to call yellow, i can and it will be respected. Knowing you can press pause for half a second builds trust. Trust facilitates scenes.

If I call yellow it doesnt mean I end a scene. It means I am being an active, engaged, educated, empowered and respectful partner. It means I am making an attempt to give my top the valuable information they need as to how to proceed based on current conditions. Once they have that information THEY can decide whether to stop completely, change intensity or change the direction of the scene entirely. I am providing, THEY are deciding. At that point I neither want to be nor am in control over anything other than the dissemination of information.

An argument can be made much more effectively that when I call RED I have some control over the scene. Red ENDS a scene. We arent talking about red, thats a whole other show.

The calling of yellow is the equivalent of being a meteorologist. You want to go on a picnic, so you check the weather. The weather dude says there is a 75% chance of rain so you decide to stay indoors. So did the channel 4 weather guy make you stay home? Did he have some power over you, did he control your actions? Of course not. YOU made the decision based on the information available. The meteorologist was a conduit at best.

If you go round blaming the weather man everytime you dont get to enjoy outdoor recreation based on a weather prediction, you may well be just a generally unhappy person all round due to near constant feelings of victimizatrion and powerlessness.

That certainly would explain the derision in the original statement.

Use safewords, dont use safewords. personally i think they are useful and often necessary. But I am not in your scene so my views are of little import in that regard other than to educate those who wish to hear my opinion so that they might integrate that information into their own decision. But looking down on those who play differently than you do is not only comically arrogant, it often exposes the espouser as the threatened individual he or she really is.

Pot, meet kettle……

Good Pain vs Bad Pain

Recently a friend of mine had to have some surgery and came out of the experience bemoaning the bruises and pain she experienced as the result of a botched IV line placement. Not an uncommon experience really, but this one takes on a bit of a twist once you are armed with the knowledge that this particular friend is a bona fide needle slut. She is one of two needle bottoms I’ve played with who actually buzz and glow (yup, I said glow. its a lovely thing to see) when you poke them. So I couldnt help but giggle a bit as she relayed her intense distaste at the IV debacle and said, ‘Well, there you have the difference between good pain, and not good pain.’

So what IS the difference? Well in this case the actual equipment and method of ‘delivery’ used had alot to do with it. A 22 gauge needle tunneled under your skin for 1.5 cm feels ALOT different than an 18 gauge cannula threaded through your vein. I’m sure there are some who love the feel of this, but even some of the most seasoned masochists I know will generally scoff and run at mention of an IV when they will vibrate giddily at the thought of needle play (for those into such things of course).

But more than the clinical paraphranalia, the headspace and connection is generally what will differentiate an medically necessary procedure  from a BDSM scene. In our case, we are great friends and frequent lovers. I know that she gets an instant and intense  rush and spaces right out as soon as I pierce her skin. I enjoy both the pain I cause her and the knowledge that I gave her that high. I know her body and how she will react when I pierce certain areas, she knows my breath on her skin as I lean over to penetrate her flesh with sharp, pointy things. There is an exchange, a give and take, and then a take and give. Eyes lock then focus, smiles flash, moans and sighs escape, all five senses are given music to dance to. At the end of it all, you get a heightening of the senses, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of endurance, a sense of self and of connection to another.

And if you are very lucky, you get an amazing visual:

~kim

Kink In Motion

Cruelty in BDSM

A little while back a friend who is somewhat newish to BDSM asked for help with an ‘assignment’ she was to complete for a new potential Dominant. (note: she wasn’t asking me to ‘complete’ the task, only for related resources)

The task was to ‘define the pros and cons of cruelty in BDSM’. Now the FIRST thing I told her was to clarify what it is he was asking. Did he mean physical pain? Humiliation? Discipline? I tend to equate the word ‘cruel’ with ‘heartlessness, brutality and abuse’. To me, this is a very different thing than your average sadistic act in a BDSM sense. I get that sadists enjoy inflicting pain and to many THAT in and of itself is ‘cruel’. But I am coming at this from a BDSM standpoint where a measure of acceptance in regard to one causing pain/discomfort is implied. To me adding ‘cruelty’ to the mix implies stepping over the line. As in, I enjoy being hurt in the form of a flogging. That would be BDSM. Adding metal spikes to the ends of the flogger tails to cut me open ‘just cuz’ would be cruel. So this is where I was coming from when I gave her this reply:

Discipline is VERY different from cruelty in my opinion. In BDSM the ‘generally’ accepted idea (nothing is ever universally agreed upon) is the idea that a Dom wants things done in a certain way and sets up a structure for that. The sub is given ample instruction and time to master the thing. After that if she falls down on the job for whatever reason a measure of discipline is enacted to correct the behavior. For example: he wants you to kneel at the door every time he comes in from work. You forget and are online when he comes in a few days in a row, so he takes your online privileges away for a few days to enforce the importance of him over your interests. Generally, the best disciplinarians know that the best way to reinforce the desired result is to have the consequences be directly related to that result. Discipline CAN be physical but is generally not the best way to go for a few reasons:

• Its negative reinforcement which generally breeds resentment and fear rather than learning and respect
• Its counterproductive with a masochist and can lead to ‘topping from the bottom’ and manipulation so that the sub doesn’t do tasks on purpose just to get the pain. Some dynamics enjoy this and if so that’s cool, but then its really more a form of a specific play style than discipline.

Cruelty often goes hand in hand with anger and one should never engage in ANY BDSM (physical or mental) when angry, ever. Plus the term cruelty has a connotation that implies a measure of nonconsent, which also is NEVER cool.

Cruelty does not always equate to a measure of physical pain. I’d consider being made to eat vomit to be unusually cruel even though it technically wouldn’t cause me near as much physical pain as being single tailed. So again, clarification would be needed but I’d still not be on board with the whole ‘cruel’ concept.

In regard to humiliation, this should ALWAYS be communicated and negotiated. If this is what he meant with this assignment then it could be a good jumping off point for communication on the matter but would still require more information before assimilated into the dynamic. Humiliation can be a very tricky thing and a thing that can scar a person quicker and deeper and with longer lasting effects than a physical mark ever could. If all parties decide this is a thing to engage in, it STILL (in my opinion) should not be done with  ‘cruelty’ as the motivation. There are a thousand ways you can be ‘evil’ (in the playful sense of the word) without being ‘cruel’. That is far more healthy and to be honest much more fun!

As far as pros and cons.. ok maybe I am too smart for my own good here but what cons if this is what has been agreed upon? When I submit I want to please my Sir. If it pleases my Sir to have me disciplined and isnt breaking any of my hard limits then I do it unquestioningly (after a period of negotiation and communication and establishing a high level of trust where in I am assured that my best interests are always being looked after). Perhaps he is asking for YOUR pros and cons? If so, you dont need resources for that. That requires self exploration and introspection that cannot be found on any website or in any book.

~kim

Kink In Motion

The Body Slave

This is a reactionary piece, one written in response to something my Dominant wrote a couple of months back. (Why dont Dominants write more anyway? It would be oh so helpful!)

I love the idea of a body slave. Someone whose sole job it is to provide for the ease and comfort of ones bodily health. I am attracted to that type of service because it is very freeing to me to be able to have some one else take care of those daily routines that are so… daily. The idea that it is someones duty and pleasure to fulfill that role fascinates be. I find it hard to let go of my own self care. It almost seems overly decadent to allow that type of service but that is what arouses me most about it.

Your Kink isnt My Kink….

This phrase gets thrown around BDSM more than SSC and RACK combined. It’s even known by its acronym, YKIMK, by alot of folks. ‘Your kink isn’t my kink but your kink is ok’. Its supposed to be our way of saying ‘we tolerate most anything’, but I cant help but wonder if people really get the full meaning of it. Seems in many situations ‘YKIMK’ is the new ‘with all due respect’. A phrase which used to mean ‘ I am about to disagree with your beliefs but still hold you as a person in high esteem’ but has now come to mean ‘I am about to vehemently disagree with you and outright insult you but you cant get mad because I prefaced it with this handy verbal equilvalent of a get out of jail free card’.

I happen to fall somewhere right in the middle. Just because I respect the fact that you are into something that doesnt exactly turn my crank means only that I appreciate that you have a right (so long as no one is harmed and it is entered into consensually) to do what you like with who you like and that I will defend your right to do just that. What it does NOT mean is that I have to like what you do myself. You have the right to do as you will, I reserve the right to speak about that activity however I see fit so long as I am not impeding your right to engage in it.And none of us is any better than the other.

Some examples may help:

First, a vanilla one. I think NASCAR is just silly. I never got it as a kid in the south and I still don’t get it as an adult up North. Why watch a bunch of cars go round and round the exact same track for 400 laps and 4 hours? The only excitement is when someone crashes, which means you are getting all hot and bothered over someone else in danger of serious injury or death (now who is the sick fuck?). Or sometimes the last lap can be exciting, in which case why not make the race one lap long? See drag racing I kinda get, but NASCAR? I just don’t. Never have, never will. Know what else? THAT’S OK. I don’t HAVE to like every single thing out there. I think all these folks who love it so much? Have at it and gods bless. Have fun. Spend your money on all that merch. Spend hours debating it. Plan entire parties, weekends or trips around it. Go forth and have a blast. You have every right to do what you want with your time and money. I think its a silly endeavor but wtf do you care what I think anyway? All that means is one more seat for you to buy a ticket for at the track. I fully endorse your wanting to have NASCAR as a hobby and I will totally make fun of you painting your face and cheering on Jeff Gordon at the same time. Two variations on a theme can coexist, we aren’t talking matter and antimatter here.

Lets bring it on home to BDSM and the weird elephant in the dungeon: GOR. I lovingly refer to Gor as ‘the Scientology of BDSM’. Both are based on BADLY WRITTEN sci fi novels that a group of people have decided to elevate to almost religious heights. There is so much logically and rationally WRONG with the theories espoused in BOTH that its difficult to even find a starting point to dissect them. Then again, that’s ok since they are FICTION which means ‘not true’. It was never meant to be held to any higher standard than ‘hey I had this cool fantasy/thought/idea and wrote it down’. If either author had seriously meant for these works to be taken as gospel truth, they wouldn’t have allowed it to be published under Science FICTION.

But I digress..

I personally think Gor is just silly. The stuff that the fantasies of a 14 year old boy are made of. I think many (not all) of these folks take this stuff WAY too seriously and need a few whacks in the head with the 2×4 of reality. Know what else? I think they should be able to do whatever the fuck they want. They should be able to drink ‘black wine’ in front of the ‘homestone’ with many kneeling ‘kajiras’ at their feet. You betcha, knock yourself right on out. Have a blast. Seriously, if that’s what gets you going then by all means please go forth and have at it. Just do not mistake my acceptance and tolerance as my having the same preferences. By the same token, stop mistaking my poking fun at something as disrespect and derision.

I can disagree with something yet still think people have a right to engage in it. I can even make fun of it and still fight to the death for your right to be able to do it.  For me personally, its simply a part of my personality. I make fun of everything, mainly myself. I am an equal opportunity offender. I’m a chick, I’m Southern, I’m kinky, I’m bi, I’m a clutz, I’m x,y and z. I make fun of every damn bit of it. I am all kinds of proud to be  American and Southern and a woman. But I make fun of Dubya and Sarah Palin mercilessly. They both have every right to run for office. I have every right to make fun of their lack of intelligence as I perceive it. I tell people the reason I am a bipolyswitch is because I dont want to ever have to make a decision on anything. I make fun of rednecks as I serve Southern Fried Chicken to my Canadian friends. You HAVE to have a sense of humor folks, otherwise you are all gonna implode.

There are a few hot button issues I have that if I feel a line is crossed I’ll step up to the plate on. But even those I will take up in the spirit of DEBATE, which is wholly and fundamentally different than FANATICISM. The difference is you take emotion out of the equation while you are talking about it. To use the above example, on an emotional level I think Gor is misogynist in nature in that it assumes all males are superior to all females simply because some have cocks. To me that is just laughably stupid. But I also know that there are lots of folks out there who genuinely feel this is true deep down in their core values. Do I want a chance to ‘educate’ them ? Oh hell yes. But by taking emotion out of it I can wait until the proper time and speak about the issue on its merits. Once you add emotion back in you get fanatics; those who feel they are right, everyone else is wrong and it is up to them to fix that RIGHT NOW by any means necessary. My value isn’t defined by how many agree with me. I feel confident enough in my stance that I can stand firm in defending my beliefs while still remaining open to other possibilities. That is a quality I have found to be sorely lacking in fanatics of any ilk. Sadly, the longer I am in BDSM the more fanatics I find within it. Not just Goreans mind you, but for some reason they do seem to be some of the most vocal.

YKIMK does not mean ’see that BDSM checklist over there? you better not say anything bad about ANY of it, cause I like 3 of those things and by liking those 3 I am morally bound to be pissed off at you if you say anything negative about the other 487…’ Come on, get a grip people. I think I have one of the more wider ranges of interests out there. Certainly there are folks into more things more intensely than I am, but I’m pretty freakin twisted. I don’t do scat, urine, vomit, kids, incest, necrophilia, bestiality, tickling, spiders and a few others. But that’s about it as far as limits go for me. Considering how many fetishes/interests fall under the heading of BDSM that isn’t alot. However, there’s quite a few more of those interests that I have no desire to ever engage in. I have not a few friends who are heavy age players. I love em alot, and I make fun of their bringing a Hello Kitty stuffed toy to a dungeon. I see no redeeming value in being pissed on, but I know lots who do so I say ‘have fun, I’ll be over here NOT smelling like a latrine!’. And I get as good as I give. Lots of folks think I am pretty fucked in the head because I like to be humiliated verbally, cut till I bleed, or choked when I cum. No problem. I never said YOU have to do it, only that I enjoy it. And yep, I am well aware that these things make me a ‘freak’ in the eyes of many. I’m cool with that. So go ahead and make your jokes, I’ll most likely join in with you. After all we are talking about a few of my proclivities, not about my worth as a human being.

I in no way KEEP someone from engaging in what they choose to engage in, but I have my own opinions on things and I see no reason why I should have to STFU simply because someone never grew a thicker skin than what they had in kindergarten. I don’t go out of my way to embarrass or humiliate people, matter of fact I hold my tongue ALOT. But where is it written that I have to ‘tow the party line’ just because I engage in some aspects of BDSM? From where I stand BDSM is about personal exploration and personal responsibility. That includes having a responsibility to tell me ‘hey, I am uncomfortable when you say those things’ to which I’ll most likely say ‘really why is that? I’ll knock it off but I’m interested in hearing your side of it’. I am not a mind reader and I am not attacking your value or worth. I am making light of ONE thing you do. I am not MAKING you feel a certain way. I am having fun and talking, YOU are making a choice as to how you process that information. So I can make fun of the fact that you listen to Miley Cyrus CD’s but NOT that you are into Gor? How does THAT make sense? Each is an aspect of your personality, it is NOT a value judgement on you as a person. There is a huge difference there.

And one last thing.. why is MY opinion so important? What difference does it make what I think? I am not in your relationship, in your scene, in your bed. Are you having a good time doing what you do? Did you know the risks and benefits of it all and consent to it? Are you getting satisfaction, fulfillment, needs and desires met, maybe even an orgasm? Are precautions being taken so that as much risk as possible is minimized? Yes? Then who freaking cares what I think? Why are you going to let one little joke I made at a munch take up more of your thoughts than that mind blowing scene your Dominant just gave you? Those are some seriously fucked up priorities which leads me to believe that you have way bigger issues than just hurt feelings. And WHY are your feelings hurt? I am one person, and one person who has no bearing on your social or relationship status. I am entitled to my opinion and you are entitled to think of me as nothing more than a blip on the screen. I DO NOT matter in your kink.

The flip side:  just because you espouse ‘tolerance’ the way artificially enhanced celebrities espouse the attributes of ‘inner beauty’ does not mean you are better than me. Why is it always the ones with the most caveats to their kink who lambaste the rest of us for not being ‘inclusive’ enough? Just because Paris Hilton keeps telling PEOPLE magazine that she is ‘actually really smart’ don’t make it true. The day she quotes Maya Angelou rather than showing off her new Prada bag I’ll give her a bit more consideration. Just like the day you stop lecturing me about how I am not tolerant enough even as you look down on any and every one who doesn’t play like you do is the day I’ll believe you are more than an elitist fuck. There is no such thing as ‘the most humble’. Get over yourself.

The difference? I AM an elitist fuck, and damn proud of it. Want to know how I am elitist and how you too can be part of my little world? Simple.. be who you are. Own what you do and what you believe. If you enjoy fucking your girl while she is slathered in peanut butter wearing tin foil pigtails then just say and do THAT. Don’t look down on those who don’t and don’t try and convert those who have no interest in it. Be that person, fuck that girl, get off, have fun and we’ll all sit around the campfire telling our stories and going ‘ewwww!’ and ‘oh really? that’s kinda hot’ over wine and s’mores while we laugh and have a grand ole time.

I’ll make all kinds of fun of you, just like you will of me.. but at least I’ll respect you in the morning. THAT is what ‘your kink isn’t my kink…’ means.

~kim

Kink In Motion

‘Morning After’ Regret – Fourth in a Series on Predatory Behavior

We’ve all done it. Been in a situation, had a conversation, etc.. only to later regret the things we did or didn’t say or do. Either immediately or in the minutes, hours or days afterwards said to ourselves, ‘If only I had said or done THIS instead…’ It can be an amusing, introspective or destructive processing mechanism depending upon the variables involved. Reliving how you should have told your mother in law off after she insulted your cooking can feed a need to unleash repressed anger without actually jeopardizing the relationship. Rehashing how you could have better answered those interview questions can lead to a better performance the next time. Replaying hurtful situations over and over in your head searching for a resolution that may never come can lead to cyclical thinking to the point of negatively interrupting one’s day to day life.

Typically you hear the phrase ‘morning after regret’ as it pertains to sexual encounters, contraception or alcohol consumption. The word ‘regret’ is often interchanged with ‘effect’ to convey the person’s state of mind. I am using it here as a generic catch all term that encompasses a person’s reactions to an in some way stressful event.

As it pertains to BDSM and Predatory behavior, its been my experience that is a guilt ridden process and I wonder why that is.

But before I get ahead of myself, let me talk about what it is i am referring to here. It generally happens something like this: sub A goes to a munch or party and is approached by Dom X. The exchange is generally friendly and nonconfrontational for a while and a measure of trust is built. At some point, the predatory behavior emerges. Dom X will say something untoward (’oh that ass sure would look better after I’ve spanked it for a few hours’, ‘i know you said you were scared of fire play but you havent tried it with me, we’ll play at the next party and get you over your fear’, ‘you just havent been properly Dominated yet’), engage inappropriate touching (ass grabs, hands up skirts, hair pulling) or other such uncivilized things. sub A will squirm, wiggle, flirt nervously, excuse themselves rapidly, become speechless, or do whatever they can to end the interaction. And then on the way home, or in the next few days mentally chastise themselves for not handling it differently.

I’ve heard this same story again and again. “If only i had said so and so’, If only i had done such and such,’ or ‘Well, its my fault’, ‘I brought it on myself, I deserve to feel badly about it’ or even worse ‘Well, this is what happened and I did it to myself, there is nothing to be done about it..’

To be sure there ARE lots of subs who DO send out the signals that this is how they want to be treated. If that’s your thing, that’s just peachy. To some its a kink all to itself, and your kink isn’t my kink yadda yadda yadda. It seriously is fine, so long as you own your behavior. Just know that this is the type of behavior you are inviting so don’t act surprised when it happens. Be aware that you don’t get to complain about it afterward. There is nothing wrong with being overly flirty, getting more than you bargained for and deciding that maybe that isn’t for you after all and changing your behavior. But if you continue to act in such a way, you give up the right to try and invoke sympathy for your cause. Own your behavior and your actions and that means accepting the reactions you provoke.

But for every sub who does invite such behavior there are lots more who dont invite it yet find themselves on the receiving end of it anyway. Part of this whole educational movement toward change and empowerment in relation to Predatory Behavior has roots in self exploration. In a paradoxical way it can be helpful to have these experiences to gauge your own reactions, define your limits and determine your boundaries. If you never knew a situation could arise in such a manner then how do you prepare for it? (educating oneself via alternative methods not with standing, but there is no real subsitutue for first hand experience) I see this all as healthy and normal, as part of the processing mechanism. To that end,  I want to try and get rid of the guilt that seems to go along with it.

How does one do that?

1. Recognize you are not alone. So much of the guilt, shame and anxiety that often accompanies the reactions to predatory behavior walk hand in hand with isolationism. The “i’m the only one’ syndrome. Afterall if there are 50 people at a munch and everyone seems to have a great time but you, then of course you are gonna feel like its you who is the problem. Let me help you smash that assumption with a big ole hammer.  The first sentence of this post was “we’ve all done it.” Need proof? Here is a good start. Keep checking back, it will grow. Which is good in that people are speaking out yet bad in that there are always more of these stories to tell. In short, you arent alone. We’ve all had these experiences and until some real change occurs (which is always slow to happen) we’re all sure to have more.

2. Replay without the regret. Like I have stated earlier, some types of mentally rehashing events can be healthy and productive. Let yourself play it out over and over if thats what you need. Imagine yourself reacting in as many different ways as possible, then gauge your feelings to those ‘reactions’ Try them all on and see what fits best. However, the second the negative thoughts creep in, force yourself to stop. As soon you start to feel guilt, shame, regret or inferior make yourself stop and assess what the actual issue is. Remember, this was simply an interaction. Thats it. Words said, actions taken. It has no actual value beyond ‘an activity’ until you assign a value to it. You get to CHOOSE what that value is. So when the negativity creeps in make yourself stop. Remind yourself that you are simply trying to evaluate your feelings in the context of the event. That is the sum total of this process. Noone can MAKE you feel anything, you decide what you feel. So choose to feel that this is an exercise in self exploration rather than one of deserving to feel badly.

3. Talk it out with a friend. Get feedback. That will both cut down on the isolation factor and help keep you on track as far as not delving too deeply into negative headspaces. An added benefit, in my experience, is that it also often leads to laughter. There’s not much that can fix a bad headtrip like a hearty gigglefest.

4. At some point, stop and resolve. As good and healthy as processing can be, too much of a good thing is still too much. After you seem to have exhausted all possibilities, tell yourself ‘ok, this is what happened, this is what i did, this is what i could have done..’ Take stock of all of that information then decide what you feel would be the best way to handle it if that situation arises again. Resolve to do a, b and/or c. Plot your course of action then shelve the whole damn deal. Once you know how you will handle it, there’s little reason to keep your focus on it. Feeling good about your decision and knowing that you have a plan of action, let it go.

5. Just do it. Now all of this is for naught if nothing ever comes of it. Ok scratch that. Hopefully you wont ever have to deal with this again as it is my belief that people should yanno, treat people decently and not put you in these situations. However, in actuality you may very well again be confronted with this scenario or a similar one. You’ve done your mental research, now follow thru on your plan of action. It may take a few tries before it takes. Remeber what I said about change occuring slowly? It works both ways. Dont get discouraged and dont fall back into old patterns. Do your processing and resolve to give it your best shot next time. Practice makes perfect. It is my sincere wish that you never have many opportunities to practice, but the old addage ‘hope for the best and prepare for the worst’ seems to ring very true here. Dont lose heart, just keep working at it. You’ll hit your stride eventually.

These days you hear alot about ‘taking things back’. Homosexuals taking back the word ‘queer’. Women embracing terms like ‘bitch’, ‘cunt’ ’slut’ or ‘whore’. I say we take a page from this book and rewrite the term ‘morning after regret’ and replace it with whatever term you feel is most applicable. ‘Post encounter processing.’ ‘Time delayed introspection’ whatever, just take the guilt and shame out of it.

It always cracks me up to hear stats like ‘59%’ of the population is overweight. Ooooookay.. seems to me if over half a population has a certain characteristic that is now effectively the NORM, ergo in this example it should be reported that 41% is underweight. The term ‘morning after regret’ implies guilt or shame, something outside the norm. However it stands to reason that if so many of us have been through it then its no longer abnormal. We ARE the norm and have nothing to feel shameful about.

We have work to do, yes. But the end result of the work required is empowerment. What a day that will be when ‘empowered’ is the standard.

~kim

Kink In Motion

Personal Responsibility – Third in a Series on Predatory Behavior

As a reaction to my own piece,  I wanted to make sure that one very important aspect didn’t get lost amongst all those words and concepts: that of personal responsibility. I think if our focus strays too far from that ideal then we are gonna end up with one heck of a self full filling prophecy where in everyone cries ‘victim’ and no real change is seen. That would be more than a little heartbreaking to me since the the aim here is to make the way it works better, not worse.

Now I see it as personal responsibility on all sides, beginning with the predators. After all if they weren’t behaving how they are we wouldn’t even have to be concerned with reactions as there would be nothing to react to. It reminds me of the old chicken and egg scenario concerning how a woman dresses vs her ‘asking’ to be raped. Yes a woman should totally be able to dress how she likes without fear of anything happening as a consequence. But the reality is that as a woman that IS always in the back of your mind when you are choosing your outfit. My point is, if there weren’t predators out there ready to use the ’short skirt’ explanation as rationale for their actions then women wouldnt give a second thought to how they dress in regard to anything but personal preference.

Same goes for all this BDSM scene predator business. If they weren’t out there doing what they do noone would need to be concerned for how the preyed upon handled themselves when confronted. Because quite simply there would be no confrontations (in a perfect world that is). But that isnt likely to happen anytime soon, although i do hope change is starting to take hold a little.

So, since we’ve surmised that predatory behavior isn’t gonna go poof overnight, it falls to the preyed upon to take hold of their personal responsibility as well. I’ve written about it before many times, but till it takes hold it bears repeating:

• Know yourself, your boundaries, your expectations and your limits
• Defend those boundaries. Keep them as safe as a mama lion does her cubs, they are that precious.
• Be polite but firm. Nothing will kill your cause faster than being overbearing or overreacting.
• Talk. Say no. Speakout about your experiences, good and bad.
• Do not perpetuate the problem. If you are complaining to your subbie girlfriends that Dom X just wont keep his hands off you, but at every much you are showing him your new bra.. well.. pick one and stay there. You cant have it both ways.
• Be aware of your surroundings and surrounding event goers.
• Be aware of verbal and non verbal communication signals and red flags
• All of this and more is covered in Social Self Defense and I encourage you to check it out.

I can see some of the predators themselves nodding their heads on this one as if to say ‘yeah! see it aint our fault! YOU shoud be doing more!’ Literally I’ve heard this argument dozens of times face to face and it makes me furious. For one thing its more of the ‘blame the victims’ mentality. But mainly because they arent ACTUALLY advocating personal responsibility, if they were they wouldnt be predators. But rather they think that their potential ‘victims’ will simply not follow thru on this and that means they get to keep doing what it is they do unchecked, their playground will remain devoid of referrees. You can almost hear them saying ‘yeah see if we scream loud enough that we are behind this movement then those we wanna prey on will think we are the good guys and flock to us’. These are the ones that would subvert this empowering message of self responsibility to twist it to their own gains. They are out there, believe me.

Recently I was at an event where an incident occurred. I relayed the info to the event organizer for them to handle how they saw fit. One of the responses I got back was ‘oh he’s harmless, he’s a submissives best friend and often comes to their rescue..’ I was floored. This is a guy known for his inappropriate behavior and here is his using his rep as a ‘rescuer’ to keep opinions at such a level so that no one can fault him if  ‘this one time there was a misunderstanding’. First off he shouldn’t be doing what he does. Secondly in my opinion the organizer shouldn’t have been in such a hurry to dismiss it all. But since that seems to be the prevailing pattern at the moment.. Third, submissives need to stop putting out signals that we need rescuing. If we didn’t need rescuing then this guy’s whole schtick goes out the window.

So here’s the breakdown: The bad folks are gonna keep doing the bad things. The ones getting the bad things done to them are gonna have to step up and do most of the work, as unfair as that is. And even then some of the bad folks are gonna slip thru as good guys.

Stay vigilant, keep your guard up and don’t be fooled by predators in rescue gear. And if they come to your ‘rescue’ have the tools and the balls to be able to say ‘thanks but no thanks, i can take care of myself’. That empowers you and disarms them, a definite win/win scenario.

~kim

Kink In Motion

The War Against False Entitlement – Second in a Series on Predatory Behavior

“We’re not here to point fingers. We’re here to provide a safe space. We’re here to make the community a better safer space by promoting open discussion rather than sweeping these issues, and everyone’s feelings, under the rug.”

My journey into the world of SM has been …’eventful’ to say the least. I’ve learned more about myself, my body, my emotions, my boundaries, my expectations, my partners, my friends, human nature, human kindness and on and on infinitum. It’s been one hell of a ride and one I hope ends no time soon. There has been so much goodness, but as with anything balance will make itself known. SM is no exception. Thankfully there has been blessed few truly ‘negative’ aspects to this whole shebang, but there has been one that seems to keep rearing its pervy head.

For lack of a better term, that issue is ‘Predatory Behavior’.

Early in this year there was an ‘incident’ at a local munch. A well known Dom played grab ass with a sub and long story short, there were ripples. There were tidal waves. And almost a year out there are wakes which are still being navigated. It wasn’t exactly because of this one incident, but rather an identified trend this event illustrated that has led to movements, actions, and discussions. There are now discussion groups, submissive targeted munches, websites, and other means of activism in the works to address the issue of predatory behavior. Some of which I helped kick into gear, some not.

There is lots of movement, but to someone on the outside, someone new to this scene, someone who’s never heard of any of the people, events or behaviors involved what exactly is it we are talking about here?

To illustrate I will give an example of what it is I am addressing, bereft of any gender or power roles for now so as to not include or alienate a reader based on any presuppositions in those areas (bear in mind this is a definition of the more negative type of interaction, plenty of folks never have anything but a good experience):

A person, often new to the scene, comes to an event (a munch, a party, a workshop, etc..) and they are, for lack of a better term, ‘descended upon’. Generally it takes the form of a person or persons with some experience in the scene coming over to talk to them to be welcoming and about their interests and desires. In a very short amount of time (sometimes in under an hour) the more experienced person is pushing the new person to play, manipulating words and power roles to push beyond comfortable boundaries, using ‘influence’ to sway the new person to do things they may not have even heard of much less had time to contemplate their feelings on, and even acting ‘territorial’ over the new one so as to keep other potential partners at bay. And sometimes unwanted physical interaction even occurs. The result is one where the newbie is left feeling alternately exhilarated, excited, confused, intimidated, preyed upon or overloaded. Sometimes they ‘consent’ to engage in the proposed activities and wind up feeling victimized, taken advantage of or worse. Sometimes they just dont ever come back.

or, as a crazy smart friend of mine described it ‘… the real issue here is that we’re worried about “newbies” (regardless of experience level) being assaulted (from a hand up the skirt to nonconsentual assault in play) or abused by assholes (of a variety of genders and identities), or that they will consider the assholes’ behaviour representative of the community’s mores in general and either reluctantly submit to it, or flee.’

Or as she put it even more succinctly ‘the real core of the issue is actually a war against false entitlement.’

Now I’ve had to water this ‘description’ down to the point of almost banality just to prevent any rebuttal that might get the discussion off track based on nothing more than semantics. But this stuff DOES happen, at almost every event, constantly. Seeing this scenario in real time is nothing short of infuriating, nauseating, and cringe inducing. Why? you ask.. well for many reasons in my opinion..

First off, we claim to be a community that embraces etiquette, protocol, and welcomes newcomers in such a way as to give them avenues of exploration free from the judgement or stigma they may face from society at large. This type of behavior smacks in the face of all of that.

Etiquette and protocol dictate that you do not physically touch something that does not belong to you. Period. I really see no way around this one. Possession is 9/10ths of the law and even more in SM. Collars anyone? So until that person or that person’s owner gives you permission (this would include permission that is given on a friendly, non SM, non sexual basis) you just do not touch .

Welcoming newcomers means just that, you welcome them. Make them feel as if they belong. Introduce them to people. Asking questions to facilitate their exploration is a wonderful thing, asking it whilst making bedroom eyes and using suggestive body language is not. If we are going to keep espousing words like etiquette, protocol, respect and SSC we should bloody well live up to them. If we arent going to actually practice what we preach then we all need to stop evangelizing these nice sounding words as the things we live by.

Second, behavior like this in any bar, pub, resturant, what have you.. will either get you laughed out of the joint, your face slapped by the one you are hitting on or thrown out on your ass by the bouncer. Why on earth would a BDSM event be any different? If anything our standards shoud be that much higher based on the intensity at which we claim to operate.

Third, sadly this is not a new phenomenon. Its been going on for decades. So many folks claim to be so incensed about it so why is it still occurring? Because it has no consequences. There is nothing negative that will occur if these behaviors are engaged in, so why NOT engage in them (basic human decency notwithstanding)? Also, because it isnt as widely known about as it is practiced. More about that in a moment.

Keep your hands to yourself. Play nice. Be respectful. It all seems so common sense like. But alas, common sense is never common. Therefore it falls into the realm of ‘problem and solution’. The problem is predatory behavior. Now what’s the solution?

In my estimation its a three fold plan with objectives for the community at large, the Predators and the preyed upon.

The Community – BDSMers are notorious for wanting other folks to stay out of our bedrooms. And my voice is right there in the midst of that sentiment. We don’t want lawmakers, preachers, neighbors or anyone else telling us how we should do things or to whom. But to make an effort to ensure that noone is actually being hacked to little pieces in basements and dungeons everywhere we claim to have a ’self policing’ community.

Sounds fabulous in theory, but I call bullshit. Yes there are waivers and rules at every event. Paperwork, red tape, the stuff of Washington politicians. All decent ideas but a piece of paper never kept anyone safe. Ask any woman who has had to take out a restraining order on an abusive husband or boyfriend how safe that paper kept her when he showed back up again. Its awareness and a commitment to action and consequence that is needed.

I am incredibly lucky to know a number of very wise women, One of them said recently, ‘We have to raise the bar of acceptable behaviour by raising the consciousness of an entire community.  That is the only way collective enforcement of standards can be improved.”

No, I do not believe newbies are helpless little lambs who are being held captive against their will nor are they airheads who cant think for themselves. But could a few more watchful eyes and a willingness to step in when a person appears uncomfortable really be such a bad thing? What are we so afraid of?

All we are doing is saying ‘oh hey Bob, i dont think lil Susie there has really had time to process what flesh hook suspension is, i find it helpful to wait till someone has been tied to a head board with a scarf before seeing if they wants to hang from their skin?’ Or ‘Excuse me Mistress Domina, subbie bill seemed kind of uncomfortable when you tweaked his nipples here at his first munch, did you notice that?’ Well golly gee, that’s rather tame now isn’t it? But sometimes that’s all it takes. Activism doesn’t always have to include riots in the streets.

And sometimes people just don’t take the hint. For those, the ones who have been gently reminded, strategically educated, and flat out warned and continue to keep doing the same things over and over? They have no place in this community until such time as they can prove themselves capable of self control. Flat out.

I don’t care if you are an old timer with 20 years under your belt or a newbie still feeling your way around (literally), if you cant respect others’ physical and emotional space just to satisfy your own urges and wants then you don’t need to be here until you can.

Community members should make this clear in their verbal and body language and organizers should make this clear by not allowing known offenders to continue to frequent their events. We are all human and falliable, if an offender shows themselves reformed they should be welcomed back probationary style. But until such a sincere change of heart is evidenced by actions and apologies I see no benefit to a predatory type person in the community.

Be willing to step up for someone, put them ‘under protection’ if they so choose it. Sometimes all a person needs is a buffer to stop a very bad situation from ever happening. Step up to the plate and be willing to be that person. That same wise woman also said ‘competent caring members of the community should be publicly available to advocate for people who have trouble speaking out. If something happens at a munch or party and a person is too intimidated to go to an organizer by themselves, they should know that (sic) whoever will go with them and make the case.  The point isn’t actually whether they receive justice … the point is telling the story, over and over and over until the shift happens.  After all if victims of child sexual abuse didn’t start to speak up 30 years ago, we still wouldn’t believe it happens much would we.’ (paraphrased)

There is an argument to be made for people ‘under protection’ only signal predatory types that these folks are weaker in some way, or are in some way more ripe for the plucking. That’s where education and empowerment come into play. These concepts are fleshed out in more detail below. But just because it ‘may have a possible ambiguous effect’ is no reason to not at least make an attempt. For any solution there are hundreds of reasons for and against it. So far not much else has worked, I see no reason not to at least try this before we condemn it as ineffective. And in point of fact I have seen it be effective in my own personal life. I’ve done this very thing for not a few folks and I’ve had one ‘thanks but no thanks’ and near a dozen ‘oh THANK YOU’s’. Anecdotal perhaps, but in the absence of scientific data and analytical information I’ll take it.

Or, as the always wonderful Sex Geek said ‘Admit that we simply cannot make it go away. It will always exist. There is no perfect solution. I’m not being a pessimist – at all in fact – just a realist. So let’s stop looking for a solution that will always work; they will all have their flaws. This should not discourage us, it should make us think more realistically and take more concrete action instead of finding hopeless plans and then abandoning them.’

The Predators. The group that most needs to hear these words and the group the least likely to hear them.

‘I think a lot of the resistance from the (non-asshole) community as a whole is a worry that a “no means no … ask first” movement might “take all the fun and spontenaiety out of it”.

I would agree. I think that IS the concern, and I think its unfounded on their part. Just because we resolve to be respectful to everyone is no reason we cant have our kink and enjoy it too. There are ways to do it so that you are not preying on someone but are still enjoying all the things we got into SM for in the first place. And it all starts with one word.. consent.

Where is the allure in coercing an unsure person into something? A friend of mine once wrote ‘I’d rather have her begging me for more rather than screaming for me to stop’. A truly novel concept.  Yes the fantasy of being taken, wooed, swept off one’s feet and being the one doing the taking and sweeping is a powerful one to be sure. But there are times and places for things and like it or not we don’t live in Roissy, we live in the real world. And here in reality land things like respect, boundaries, common decency and keeping one’s hands to oneself take precedence over fantasies and desires. At least until such time as these things can be explored more in depth so that INFORMED consent can be given. Once you have that? Knock yourself right on out, literally if thats what you are into, but not until you have consent on all sides.

I see this as stupidly simple – knock it off.

Don’t touch people who you don’t have an understanding that’s its ok to do so with. Stop trying to manipulate and intimidate. If you cant get a partner by anything other than nefarious means then I think you need to rethink your life strategies and what it is YOU have to offer THEM.

Stop swooping in. We aren’t big cats who need pissing contests to mark our territories. We are adults, and as such should be perfectly capable of choosing who we do what with. If that happens to not include you, then you need to understand that not everyone is compatible with everyone else and its not always about you.

Stop the competitions. No one cares if you have had 2 partners or 202 or if you had em first or after 10 others. No one but you that is, in which case reprioritizing what you place importance on is not such a bad idea.

In short, be human. The most attractive and generally relationship succesful men I’ve seen often say the same thing: ‘Treat every woman the way you would want your mother treated’ (assuming of course you love your mom). Take out the genders in this paragraph and there ya go. Just be decent to people.

The preyed upon. I really dislike that term, but not as much as I dislike victim, the assaulted, the accosted or variations thereof. So until I find another word I guess this will have to suffice. ‘Anytime the idea of “protecting the poor helpless submissives / newbies” comes up, it makes my skin crawl. ‘ Me too, I’m a big believer in personal responsibility and self sustainability and the general compentness of people to embody these ideals. But the fact is they do get in over their heads sometimes, despite best efforts. What can they do?

Education, education, education.

Educate yourself on BDSM and the scene. On what specific events are and how folks are generally expected to behave at them. Both yourself and others. KNOW what is allowed and what isnt.

Define your boundaries, define what you are into, what you are not and what you are curious about. Decide how far you will go and at what point you will stop for each activity. Find your voice, practice saying no, say it a thousand different ways, ‘No, no thank you, i’m flattered but no, not really into that, fuck no, hell no, ‘ find whatever works best for you and hold yourself accountable for following through.

as my sage friend said ‘KNOW that you don’t have to put up with this shit. KNOW that (in spite of how their friends treat them) they do not have the support of the community at large. KNOW that YOU have the right to say no, that you will be supported if you speak out, or if you don’t feel comfortable speaking out, to turn to this informal network to share your experiences, positive or negative. KNOW to elicit and LISTEN to others’ experiences, but then MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES about who you engage with or play with.‘

Talk.

If a situation goes farther than you are comfortable with tell someone. Tell a friend, tell the organizer, tell anyone. Just tell your story.  Again i defer to wiser words, ‘If you don’t feel comfortable speaking up at the time (that’s okay!) to engage our help in facilitating a discussion with the perpetrator and with the community about the perp. Sometimes they just don’t realize their behaviour was unwelcome. Sometimes they’re assholes.’

Process it out. Ask for resolution and learn from mistakes made.

In closing, more words and reaction to the wonderful Sex Geek:

I wouldnt exactly classify what I have been discussing as ‘abuse’, I see it more as ongoing predatory/manipulative behaviors but her words here (the bolded ones) seem to sum up alot of what I see at many events (i am not trying to take her words out of context as she is making a somewhat related but rather different point but the words I bolded seem to me to be descriptive of what we are dealing with):

“Abuse is a pattern of behavior where one person tries to control the thoughts, beliefs, or actions of a partner, friend, or any other person close to them. Abuse is sometimes also referred to as domestic violence, battering, and intimate partner abuse. Abusers may use a number of ways to control their partner, none of which are acceptable in the context of a consensual, negotiated S/M relationship. These actions cannot be stopped with a safeword and can include physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, economic abuse, outing, and defending any of these nonconsensual actions as the way “real” S/M works.

Abuse is an ongoing non-consensual / coercive power dynamic between partners that plays out in all kinds of insidious ways, not all of which even look abusive on the outside. Let’s call a spade a spade, and let’s not confuse or dilute it with related (or unrelated) issues.’

She’s said it so well, there isn’t much more for me to add there. So, continuing on. She goes on to say:

Ask the question: What can I do that will help prevent abuse? NOT What can I do that will make me feel like a hero? Then stop, and ask it again. And again. And again until you get as deep inside your motivations as possible and away from anything that looks like the desire for revenge, self-important heroism, grandiose visions of saving the world and so forth. Once you get there, keep asking it until you come up with a list of at least eight or ten answers. You’ll know you’ve arrived when you start groaning and saying, “Man, that would be a lot of work / that would be personally challenging for me.” Then make it your business to pick at least two or three of them, and actually take some concrete action.

I love the way she says this and this is precisely what I have done. This has been one of my pet causes for close to a year now and not a few times have I sincerely and with a brutal emotional hammer have I chipped away at WHY I am doing this. Its not for self importance, I have my own issues to be sure but to be seen as some kind of hero is just not something I find at all interesting. Nor do I desire revenge. I have no interest in seeing people humiliated, blacklisted, publicly punished or anything in between. I know good and darn well I wont ’save’ anyone. Noone can save anyone but themselves, nothing new there. So why am I doing this?

Because I want it to stop. Period. That’s it. That’s the sum total of my ‘agenda’.

The day no one else has any more bad predatory stories or feelings of intimidation I’ll shut my mouth, take down all of my writings, close up websites and carry on surfing Stumble Upon and cuddling my kitties. And be quite happy to do just that.

And I’ve gotten to that point she speaks of. That ‘oh good gods this is a hell of a thing to tackle! is it REALLY worth my energy and time and frustration?’ I can say that at this point in time, that for me, for right now, Yes, yes it is. It IS a fuck of alot of work and energy. But I also wholeheartedly believe that should we, against so many odds, succeed that it will be worth it many times over.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman

~Kim

Kink In Motion