‘Morning After’ Regret – Fourth in a Series on Predatory Behavior

We’ve all done it. Been in a situation, had a conversation, etc.. only to later regret the things we did or didn’t say or do. Either immediately or in the minutes, hours or days afterwards said to ourselves, ‘If only I had said or done THIS instead…’ It can be an amusing, introspective or destructive processing mechanism depending upon the variables involved. Reliving how you should have told your mother in law off after she insulted your cooking can feed a need to unleash repressed anger without actually jeopardizing the relationship. Rehashing how you could have better answered those interview questions can lead to a better performance the next time. Replaying hurtful situations over and over in your head searching for a resolution that may never come can lead to cyclical thinking to the point of negatively interrupting one’s day to day life.

Typically you hear the phrase ‘morning after regret’ as it pertains to sexual encounters, contraception or alcohol consumption. The word ‘regret’ is often interchanged with ‘effect’ to convey the person’s state of mind. I am using it here as a generic catch all term that encompasses a person’s reactions to an in some way stressful event.

As it pertains to BDSM and Predatory behavior, its been my experience that is a guilt ridden process and I wonder why that is.

But before I get ahead of myself, let me talk about what it is i am referring to here. It generally happens something like this: sub A goes to a munch or party and is approached by Dom X. The exchange is generally friendly and nonconfrontational for a while and a measure of trust is built. At some point, the predatory behavior emerges. Dom X will say something untoward (‘oh that ass sure would look better after I’ve spanked it for a few hours’, ‘i know you said you were scared of fire play but you havent tried it with me, we’ll play at the next party and get you over your fear’, ‘you just havent been properly Dominated yet’), engage inappropriate touching (ass grabs, hands up skirts, hair pulling) or other such uncivilized things. sub A will squirm, wiggle, flirt nervously, excuse themselves rapidly, become speechless, or do whatever they can to end the interaction. And then on the way home, or in the next few days mentally chastise themselves for not handling it differently.

I’ve heard this same story again and again. “If only i had said so and so’, If only i had done such and such,’ or ‘Well, its my fault’, ‘I brought it on myself, I deserve to feel badly about it’ or even worse ‘Well, this is what happened and I did it to myself, there is nothing to be done about it..’

To be sure there ARE lots of subs who DO send out the signals that this is how they want to be treated. If that’s your thing, that’s just peachy. To some its a kink all to itself, and your kink isn’t my kink yadda yadda yadda. It seriously is fine, so long as you own your behavior. Just know that this is the type of behavior you are inviting so don’t act surprised when it happens. Be aware that you don’t get to complain about it afterward. There is nothing wrong with being overly flirty, getting more than you bargained for and deciding that maybe that isn’t for you after all and changing your behavior. But if you continue to act in such a way, you give up the right to try and invoke sympathy for your cause. Own your behavior and your actions and that means accepting the reactions you provoke.

But for every sub who does invite such behavior there are lots more who dont invite it yet find themselves on the receiving end of it anyway. Part of this whole educational movement toward change and empowerment in relation to Predatory Behavior has roots in self exploration. In a paradoxical way it can be helpful to have these experiences to gauge your own reactions, define your limits and determine your boundaries. If you never knew a situation could arise in such a manner then how do you prepare for it? (educating oneself via alternative methods not with standing, but there is no real subsitutue for first hand experience) I see this all as healthy and normal, as part of the processing mechanism. To that end,  I want to try and get rid of the guilt that seems to go along with it.

How does one do that?

1. Recognize you are not alone. So much of the guilt, shame and anxiety that often accompanies the reactions to predatory behavior walk hand in hand with isolationism. The “i’m the only one’ syndrome. Afterall if there are 50 people at a munch and everyone seems to have a great time but you, then of course you are gonna feel like its you who is the problem. Let me help you smash that assumption with a big ole hammer.  The first sentence of this post was “we’ve all done it.” Need proof? Here is a good start. Keep checking back, it will grow. Which is good in that people are speaking out yet bad in that there are always more of these stories to tell. In short, you arent alone. We’ve all had these experiences and until some real change occurs (which is always slow to happen) we’re all sure to have more.

2. Replay without the regret. Like I have stated earlier, some types of mentally rehashing events can be healthy and productive. Let yourself play it out over and over if thats what you need. Imagine yourself reacting in as many different ways as possible, then gauge your feelings to those ‘reactions’ Try them all on and see what fits best. However, the second the negative thoughts creep in, force yourself to stop. As soon you start to feel guilt, shame, regret or inferior make yourself stop and assess what the actual issue is. Remember, this was simply an interaction. Thats it. Words said, actions taken. It has no actual value beyond ‘an activity’ until you assign a value to it. You get to CHOOSE what that value is. So when the negativity creeps in make yourself stop. Remind yourself that you are simply trying to evaluate your feelings in the context of the event. That is the sum total of this process. Noone can MAKE you feel anything, you decide what you feel. So choose to feel that this is an exercise in self exploration rather than one of deserving to feel badly.

3. Talk it out with a friend. Get feedback. That will both cut down on the isolation factor and help keep you on track as far as not delving too deeply into negative headspaces. An added benefit, in my experience, is that it also often leads to laughter. There’s not much that can fix a bad headtrip like a hearty gigglefest.

4. At some point, stop and resolve. As good and healthy as processing can be, too much of a good thing is still too much. After you seem to have exhausted all possibilities, tell yourself ‘ok, this is what happened, this is what i did, this is what i could have done..’ Take stock of all of that information then decide what you feel would be the best way to handle it if that situation arises again. Resolve to do a, b and/or c. Plot your course of action then shelve the whole damn deal. Once you know how you will handle it, there’s little reason to keep your focus on it. Feeling good about your decision and knowing that you have a plan of action, let it go.

5. Just do it. Now all of this is for naught if nothing ever comes of it. Ok scratch that. Hopefully you wont ever have to deal with this again as it is my belief that people should yanno, treat people decently and not put you in these situations. However, in actuality you may very well again be confronted with this scenario or a similar one. You’ve done your mental research, now follow thru on your plan of action. It may take a few tries before it takes. Remeber what I said about change occuring slowly? It works both ways. Dont get discouraged and dont fall back into old patterns. Do your processing and resolve to give it your best shot next time. Practice makes perfect. It is my sincere wish that you never have many opportunities to practice, but the old addage ‘hope for the best and prepare for the worst’ seems to ring very true here. Dont lose heart, just keep working at it. You’ll hit your stride eventually.

These days you hear alot about ‘taking things back’. Homosexuals taking back the word ‘queer’. Women embracing terms like ‘bitch’, ‘cunt’ ’slut’ or ‘whore’. I say we take a page from this book and rewrite the term ‘morning after regret’ and replace it with whatever term you feel is most applicable. ‘Post encounter processing.’ ‘Time delayed introspection’ whatever, just take the guilt and shame out of it.

It always cracks me up to hear stats like ‘59%’ of the population is overweight. Ooooookay.. seems to me if over half a population has a certain characteristic that is now effectively the NORM, ergo in this example it should be reported that 41% is underweight. The term ‘morning after regret’ implies guilt or shame, something outside the norm. However it stands to reason that if so many of us have been through it then its no longer abnormal. We ARE the norm and have nothing to feel shameful about.

We have work to do, yes. But the end result of the work required is empowerment. What a day that will be when ‘empowered’ is the standard.

~kim

Kink In Motion