Your Kink isnt My Kink….

This phrase gets thrown around BDSM more than SSC and RACK combined. It’s even known by its acronym, YKIMK, by alot of folks. ‘Your kink isn’t my kink but your kink is ok’. Its supposed to be our way of saying ‘we tolerate most anything’, but I cant help but wonder if people really get the full meaning of it. Seems in many situations ‘YKIMK’ is the new ‘with all due respect’. A phrase which used to mean ‘ I am about to disagree with your beliefs but still hold you as a person in high esteem’ but has now come to mean ‘I am about to vehemently disagree with you and outright insult you but you cant get mad because I prefaced it with this handy verbal equilvalent of a get out of jail free card’.

I happen to fall somewhere right in the middle. Just because I respect the fact that you are into something that doesnt exactly turn my crank means only that I appreciate that you have a right (so long as no one is harmed and it is entered into consensually) to do what you like with who you like and that I will defend your right to do just that. What it does NOT mean is that I have to like what you do myself. You have the right to do as you will, I reserve the right to speak about that activity however I see fit so long as I am not impeding your right to engage in it.And none of us is any better than the other.

Some examples may help:

First, a vanilla one. I think NASCAR is just silly. I never got it as a kid in the south and I still don’t get it as an adult up North. Why watch a bunch of cars go round and round the exact same track for 400 laps and 4 hours? The only excitement is when someone crashes, which means you are getting all hot and bothered over someone else in danger of serious injury or death (now who is the sick fuck?). Or sometimes the last lap can be exciting, in which case why not make the race one lap long? See drag racing I kinda get, but NASCAR? I just don’t. Never have, never will. Know what else? THAT’S OK. I don’t HAVE to like every single thing out there. I think all these folks who love it so much? Have at it and gods bless. Have fun. Spend your money on all that merch. Spend hours debating it. Plan entire parties, weekends or trips around it. Go forth and have a blast. You have every right to do what you want with your time and money. I think its a silly endeavor but wtf do you care what I think anyway? All that means is one more seat for you to buy a ticket for at the track. I fully endorse your wanting to have NASCAR as a hobby and I will totally make fun of you painting your face and cheering on Jeff Gordon at the same time. Two variations on a theme can coexist, we aren’t talking matter and antimatter here.

Lets bring it on home to BDSM and the weird elephant in the dungeon: GOR. I lovingly refer to Gor as ‘the Scientology of BDSM’. Both are based on BADLY WRITTEN sci fi novels that a group of people have decided to elevate to almost religious heights. There is so much logically and rationally WRONG with the theories espoused in BOTH that its difficult to even find a starting point to dissect them. Then again, that’s ok since they are FICTION which means ‘not true’. It was never meant to be held to any higher standard than ‘hey I had this cool fantasy/thought/idea and wrote it down’. If either author had seriously meant for these works to be taken as gospel truth, they wouldn’t have allowed it to be published under Science FICTION.

But I digress..

I personally think Gor is just silly. The stuff that the fantasies of a 14 year old boy are made of. I think many (not all) of these folks take this stuff WAY too seriously and need a few whacks in the head with the 2×4 of reality. Know what else? I think they should be able to do whatever the fuck they want. They should be able to drink ‘black wine’ in front of the ‘homestone’ with many kneeling ‘kajiras’ at their feet. You betcha, knock yourself right on out. Have a blast. Seriously, if that’s what gets you going then by all means please go forth and have at it. Just do not mistake my acceptance and tolerance as my having the same preferences. By the same token, stop mistaking my poking fun at something as disrespect and derision.

I can disagree with something yet still think people have a right to engage in it. I can even make fun of it and still fight to the death for your right to be able to do it.  For me personally, its simply a part of my personality. I make fun of everything, mainly myself. I am an equal opportunity offender. I’m a chick, I’m Southern, I’m kinky, I’m bi, I’m a clutz, I’m x,y and z. I make fun of every damn bit of it. I am all kinds of proud to be  American and Southern and a woman. But I make fun of Dubya and Sarah Palin mercilessly. They both have every right to run for office. I have every right to make fun of their lack of intelligence as I perceive it. I tell people the reason I am a bipolyswitch is because I dont want to ever have to make a decision on anything. I make fun of rednecks as I serve Southern Fried Chicken to my Canadian friends. You HAVE to have a sense of humor folks, otherwise you are all gonna implode.

There are a few hot button issues I have that if I feel a line is crossed I’ll step up to the plate on. But even those I will take up in the spirit of DEBATE, which is wholly and fundamentally different than FANATICISM. The difference is you take emotion out of the equation while you are talking about it. To use the above example, on an emotional level I think Gor is misogynist in nature in that it assumes all males are superior to all females simply because some have cocks. To me that is just laughably stupid. But I also know that there are lots of folks out there who genuinely feel this is true deep down in their core values. Do I want a chance to ‘educate’ them ? Oh hell yes. But by taking emotion out of it I can wait until the proper time and speak about the issue on its merits. Once you add emotion back in you get fanatics; those who feel they are right, everyone else is wrong and it is up to them to fix that RIGHT NOW by any means necessary. My value isn’t defined by how many agree with me. I feel confident enough in my stance that I can stand firm in defending my beliefs while still remaining open to other possibilities. That is a quality I have found to be sorely lacking in fanatics of any ilk. Sadly, the longer I am in BDSM the more fanatics I find within it. Not just Goreans mind you, but for some reason they do seem to be some of the most vocal.

YKIMK does not mean ’see that BDSM checklist over there? you better not say anything bad about ANY of it, cause I like 3 of those things and by liking those 3 I am morally bound to be pissed off at you if you say anything negative about the other 487…’ Come on, get a grip people. I think I have one of the more wider ranges of interests out there. Certainly there are folks into more things more intensely than I am, but I’m pretty freakin twisted. I don’t do scat, urine, vomit, kids, incest, necrophilia, bestiality, tickling, spiders and a few others. But that’s about it as far as limits go for me. Considering how many fetishes/interests fall under the heading of BDSM that isn’t alot. However, there’s quite a few more of those interests that I have no desire to ever engage in. I have not a few friends who are heavy age players. I love em alot, and I make fun of their bringing a Hello Kitty stuffed toy to a dungeon. I see no redeeming value in being pissed on, but I know lots who do so I say ‘have fun, I’ll be over here NOT smelling like a latrine!’. And I get as good as I give. Lots of folks think I am pretty fucked in the head because I like to be humiliated verbally, cut till I bleed, or choked when I cum. No problem. I never said YOU have to do it, only that I enjoy it. And yep, I am well aware that these things make me a ‘freak’ in the eyes of many. I’m cool with that. So go ahead and make your jokes, I’ll most likely join in with you. After all we are talking about a few of my proclivities, not about my worth as a human being.

I in no way KEEP someone from engaging in what they choose to engage in, but I have my own opinions on things and I see no reason why I should have to STFU simply because someone never grew a thicker skin than what they had in kindergarten. I don’t go out of my way to embarrass or humiliate people, matter of fact I hold my tongue ALOT. But where is it written that I have to ‘tow the party line’ just because I engage in some aspects of BDSM? From where I stand BDSM is about personal exploration and personal responsibility. That includes having a responsibility to tell me ‘hey, I am uncomfortable when you say those things’ to which I’ll most likely say ‘really why is that? I’ll knock it off but I’m interested in hearing your side of it’. I am not a mind reader and I am not attacking your value or worth. I am making light of ONE thing you do. I am not MAKING you feel a certain way. I am having fun and talking, YOU are making a choice as to how you process that information. So I can make fun of the fact that you listen to Miley Cyrus CD’s but NOT that you are into Gor? How does THAT make sense? Each is an aspect of your personality, it is NOT a value judgement on you as a person. There is a huge difference there.

And one last thing.. why is MY opinion so important? What difference does it make what I think? I am not in your relationship, in your scene, in your bed. Are you having a good time doing what you do? Did you know the risks and benefits of it all and consent to it? Are you getting satisfaction, fulfillment, needs and desires met, maybe even an orgasm? Are precautions being taken so that as much risk as possible is minimized? Yes? Then who freaking cares what I think? Why are you going to let one little joke I made at a munch take up more of your thoughts than that mind blowing scene your Dominant just gave you? Those are some seriously fucked up priorities which leads me to believe that you have way bigger issues than just hurt feelings. And WHY are your feelings hurt? I am one person, and one person who has no bearing on your social or relationship status. I am entitled to my opinion and you are entitled to think of me as nothing more than a blip on the screen. I DO NOT matter in your kink.

The flip side:  just because you espouse ‘tolerance’ the way artificially enhanced celebrities espouse the attributes of ‘inner beauty’ does not mean you are better than me. Why is it always the ones with the most caveats to their kink who lambaste the rest of us for not being ‘inclusive’ enough? Just because Paris Hilton keeps telling PEOPLE magazine that she is ‘actually really smart’ don’t make it true. The day she quotes Maya Angelou rather than showing off her new Prada bag I’ll give her a bit more consideration. Just like the day you stop lecturing me about how I am not tolerant enough even as you look down on any and every one who doesn’t play like you do is the day I’ll believe you are more than an elitist fuck. There is no such thing as ‘the most humble’. Get over yourself.

The difference? I AM an elitist fuck, and damn proud of it. Want to know how I am elitist and how you too can be part of my little world? Simple.. be who you are. Own what you do and what you believe. If you enjoy fucking your girl while she is slathered in peanut butter wearing tin foil pigtails then just say and do THAT. Don’t look down on those who don’t and don’t try and convert those who have no interest in it. Be that person, fuck that girl, get off, have fun and we’ll all sit around the campfire telling our stories and going ‘ewwww!’ and ‘oh really? that’s kinda hot’ over wine and s’mores while we laugh and have a grand ole time.

I’ll make all kinds of fun of you, just like you will of me.. but at least I’ll respect you in the morning. THAT is what ‘your kink isn’t my kink…’ means.

~kim

Kink In Motion