Cruelty in BDSM

A little while back a friend who is somewhat newish to BDSM asked for help with an ‘assignment’ she was to complete for a new potential Dominant. (note: she wasn’t asking me to ‘complete’ the task, only for related resources)

The task was to ‘define the pros and cons of cruelty in BDSM’. Now the FIRST thing I told her was to clarify what it is he was asking. Did he mean physical pain? Humiliation? Discipline? I tend to equate the word ‘cruel’ with ‘heartlessness, brutality and abuse’. To me, this is a very different thing than your average sadistic act in a BDSM sense. I get that sadists enjoy inflicting pain and to many THAT in and of itself is ‘cruel’. But I am coming at this from a BDSM standpoint where a measure of acceptance in regard to one causing pain/discomfort is implied. To me adding ‘cruelty’ to the mix implies stepping over the line. As in, I enjoy being hurt in the form of a flogging. That would be BDSM. Adding metal spikes to the ends of the flogger tails to cut me open ‘just cuz’ would be cruel. So this is where I was coming from when I gave her this reply:

Discipline is VERY different from cruelty in my opinion. In BDSM the ‘generally’ accepted idea (nothing is ever universally agreed upon) is the idea that a Dom wants things done in a certain way and sets up a structure for that. The sub is given ample instruction and time to master the thing. After that if she falls down on the job for whatever reason a measure of discipline is enacted to correct the behavior. For example: he wants you to kneel at the door every time he comes in from work. You forget and are online when he comes in a few days in a row, so he takes your online privileges away for a few days to enforce the importance of him over your interests. Generally, the best disciplinarians know that the best way to reinforce the desired result is to have the consequences be directly related to that result. Discipline CAN be physical but is generally not the best way to go for a few reasons:

• Its negative reinforcement which generally breeds resentment and fear rather than learning and respect
• Its counterproductive with a masochist and can lead to ‘topping from the bottom’ and manipulation so that the sub doesn’t do tasks on purpose just to get the pain. Some dynamics enjoy this and if so that’s cool, but then its really more a form of a specific play style than discipline.

Cruelty often goes hand in hand with anger and one should never engage in ANY BDSM (physical or mental) when angry, ever. Plus the term cruelty has a connotation that implies a measure of nonconsent, which also is NEVER cool.

Cruelty does not always equate to a measure of physical pain. I’d consider being made to eat vomit to be unusually cruel even though it technically wouldn’t cause me near as much physical pain as being single tailed. So again, clarification would be needed but I’d still not be on board with the whole ‘cruel’ concept.

In regard to humiliation, this should ALWAYS be communicated and negotiated. If this is what he meant with this assignment then it could be a good jumping off point for communication on the matter but would still require more information before assimilated into the dynamic. Humiliation can be a very tricky thing and a thing that can scar a person quicker and deeper and with longer lasting effects than a physical mark ever could. If all parties decide this is a thing to engage in, it STILL (in my opinion) should not be done with  ‘cruelty’ as the motivation. There are a thousand ways you can be ‘evil’ (in the playful sense of the word) without being ‘cruel’. That is far more healthy and to be honest much more fun!

As far as pros and cons.. ok maybe I am too smart for my own good here but what cons if this is what has been agreed upon? When I submit I want to please my Sir. If it pleases my Sir to have me disciplined and isnt breaking any of my hard limits then I do it unquestioningly (after a period of negotiation and communication and establishing a high level of trust where in I am assured that my best interests are always being looked after). Perhaps he is asking for YOUR pros and cons? If so, you dont need resources for that. That requires self exploration and introspection that cannot be found on any website or in any book.

~kim

Kink In Motion