There was a period in the fall when something truly remarkable happened: I read almost no social media. Truly shocking for lots of people in this day and age, even more so for someone like me who by many measurements is obsessed with it.
But for a while I didnt read a simple status update as ‘Going to see my new nephew in City X 3k miles away!’, I read it as ‘I am the person always bitching about fossil fuel usage who is now going to contribute to my own carbon footprint in a BIG BAD WAY!‘ I couldnt see ‘Speaking tonight at a rally for gender equality!‘, all I could see was ‘I’ve changed which pronoun you should refer to me as four times in the past year and gotten pissed at you when you didnt automatically know what I wanted!’
I decided that perhaps the problem was that I was reading the info provided by people I knew. Afterall if ‘Random Blogger A’ suggested a link on the 99% I’d take it at face value. Not knowing their personal history gives me no reason to question their sincerity. But no, that didnt work either. Just reading the news or even something as inane as IMDB comments was not the panacea I had hoped it would be. When he said he was a ‘Washington outsider’ I nearly choked on my tea. When someone asked ‘zomg! why are they remaking the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo?’ I wanted to slap the nearest sentient being.
For the record, the only thing Gingrich might ever be an ‘outsider’ to is the actual Congress building itself, since I assume he doesnt/didnt actually sleep there during his 20 YEARS IN WASHINGTON.
And why remake GWTDT? A) Because its AWESOME. B) Because Hollywood seems to run on the ‘we have X amount of dollars, we have to make SOMETHING!’ philosophy and better a remake of Lisbeth Salander than more bad 70′s TV shows.
So I figured I had three choices:
1) Get offline all together. Not a bad plan except there are no vacancies on the Tibetan mountaintops and without a sherpa and some pretty scenery what the fuck am I gonna do with myself all day?
2) Get all ranty like. Fight the power. Damn the man. Love it! Except I dont have healthcare and as such, no access to blood pressure medication.
3) Take the ‘you have to laugh or you’ll cry approach’. I call it ‘Carlin’s Way’. Look past the words and try to see the absurdity.
So it is written, so it shall be done. Or something pretentious sounding like that.
So here is an example of my new headspace tweaking dealies just from the past 24 hours:
Old Me: So tell me, are you posting this video from a computer that was part of the evil supply chain your video showed to be part of the Great Satan?
New Me: Everyone knows that all true ‘we should be better!’ videos are done in a very sincere black and white. That video clearly uses red, blue and even green dry erase markers and as such I reject it as insincere. And you have to be sincere or else the Great Pumpkin wont some visit you. Everyone knows that. Duh.
‘I despise rushing because 1. it makes me short tempered. 2. It makes me anxious. 3. I can’t savor the simple pleasures (like a cup of coffee or the sunrise or a smooch from my husband or kids). 3. The Bible never says “Jesus hurried” – and if Jesus didn’t do it, I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t.’
Old Me: Maybe just get up 30 minutes earlier?
New Me: I’m pretty sure Jesus never had a husband. Or kids, unless you believe Dan Brown. So you should get a divorce and abandon the wee folk post haste. Also, Jesus seemed more partial to wine than coffee, so maybe add some Pinot Grigio to your morning routine? That should make everything way more lubricated and thus, running smoothly. Lube is the key to life, ask any anal sex expert.
Ahh yes.. much better. And now I am going to go bash my trachea with my new hoop. Thats not a euphemism.
That’s not me. That chick looks way better than me. (No lie.) I would post a video but wow, do I look ABSURD. See there, problem solved. No need to go any further than my kitchen to find the stuff.
This entry was posted on December 12, 2011 at 11:49 am and is filed under Uncategorized with tags absurd, Carlin's Way, hoop fail, social media. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.