There are a few topics that seem to never get ‘resolved’ and thus are destined to forever be brought up over and over ad infinitum in BDSM theory. This is almost definitely a good thing. Its also most decidedly puzzling and complex, especially when one is trying to define themselves in the words of these discussions which are ever evolving. One of the ones that I dont think willl ever cease to be discussed is that of what defines a submissive vs. what defines a slave?

I myself have puzzled over it time and time again. I WAS pretty comfy calling myself a submissive (in my bottomy headspace at least, as I am a switch). I had looked at all the ‘arguments’ and took stock in my own comfort levels in how the terms ‘fit’ me and came to the conclusion that sub was the best match for me. Many MANY people scoff at even that as I am fairly ‘not traditional subby material’,  outwardly at least. Behind closed doors is always a different matter. But this isnt about ‘them’, its about me and my search and journey through this vocabulary maze.

I attended a workshop on the matter at Unholy Harvest (which, btw, you should definitely check out next year!) this year where this topic was discussed. The topic came up AGAIN later that week in two different circles.In these conversations all my thinking was rather turned on its head. Prior to, I had placed myself firmly in the middle of the bottomy trifecta. Its not a competition, but so many view this whole thing rather like post graduate degrees:

• To be a bottom is to have your BA/BS
• To be a submissive is to have your Masters (oh the irony!)
• To be a slave is to have your PhD

(The view often is that a slave is ‘better’ than a sub because she is more devoted in some way. Its unspoken but palpable that slavery is the goal, submission is either posing or just a sto along the way to that goal. In short, submission is oft seen as inferior in some way.)

After the conference and following conversations, it seems ’slave’ may actually be a better fit.

Is this the result of the deepening of my submission? That after 3 years with my Dominant that only now my head space has fully embraced surrender? Not a chance. Not a darn thing has changed between he & I. All thats changed is my perspective on the other perspectives out there.

I googled sub vs slave and found 3 articles that sum up the basic arguments between all the debate. Please read them in their entirety if you wish but here I am only going to quote the parts that speak to what I have stated above so as to illustrate where I found the  points of interest that changed my perspective.

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(this is written as ‘here is what they said, how does that apply to how I self identify?’ this is not a judgement call on how anyone else views things nor is it an exhaustive list of arguments or the only way to define this stuff, just how I puzzle it out for myself)

• As a sub: ‘However you have your opinions and your choices and you can still make them’;’ you have more of an option to stop’; ‘Say you do the dishes and pay the bills, these things usually are still under your control’; ‘A submissive obeys and serves by choosing to do so each time and retains her will.  A slave initially makes a choice to obey her Master at all times and then submits to the will of her Master at all times.‘ – Ah the ‘brainwash’ argument. The theory goes that the slave is SO enslaved they cannot think in terms of ‘will i do this?’ and only do things on autopilot. I disagree. All the self identifying slaves that I know and respect all still make conscious decisions every day, they just always end up deciding to do what Master says because that is the life they choose. When you do the dishes, even if you ‘wouldnt think of NOT doing them’ its still you making your hands do the work. ergo: concious choice. I dont think any slave has ever woken up from some fog and said ‘awesome! those dishes got done!’. You know what are doing and WHY you are doing it, that isnt brainwashing.. its choice. And subs and slaves both do that. Verdict for me? nuetral
• ‘in a submissive role although you give up the control the power is really still 50/50 just in a different setting and under more intense circumstances‘ – First, I dont agree with this.. but for arguments sake:  I do feel a fair bit of control in my relationship but its because thats what makes his life easier and he ALWAYS has final say. That means I really have very little of the control, if any. Verdict for me? According to this, I’m a slave
• ‘Sex is usually a large part of this relationship and mostly where the submission enters in’ – well sex is a large part of ALOT of relationships, BDSM or not  so that isnt really an accurate qualifier. But alot do feel sex is the only place a submissive is submissive. Well, that aint the case here. Its more overt in our sex but its always there, 24/7.Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘Slaves usually are slaves 24/7. They may work but when they get home there is no distinction from normal day to a BDSM day, that person is always a slave from the day they ask for that.’ – Yup, that sounds like my life. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘A submissive accepts submission, while a slave accepts obedience’; ‘The submissive is a volunteer.The slave is not a volunteer.’ – Oh dear. If you submit to and carry out your Sir’s every order, you are obeying it. And we are talking BDSM slavery not actual ‘take you in the night and force you to work under pain of death’ type slavery here. We are all volunteers. Verdict for me? This one is a non issue completely. Nuetral
• ‘A submissive often has a list of conditions, rules, and limits that a Dominant is required to agree to before entering a session or relationship.‘ ‘Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena’s. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship.’ - Limits? you betcha. I do not want my arm getting hacked off with a chainsaw thank you very much. Conditions and rules? Not a chance. Verdict for me? Slave (because I firmly believe NOONE, slave or not, is cool with the chainsaw scenario. i dont care how hard core you think you are)
• ‘the Master may have total control, then once the period is over, control returns to the submissive.  The Master only borrows control of the submissive and to the extent the submissive wishes and she controls her submission.’ This, to me, is a bottom. Verdict? Nuetral
• ‘If the focus is on self then you are a submissive, if the focus is on your Master, then you are a slave.’ – I still think focus on self = bottom, focus on Master = sub or slave. But going by this then, verdict for me? Slave
• ‘Being a slave means you are willing to be molded to fit her Master’s needs and to serve him’.; ‘Her attention is on his happiness. A Master is responsible for the needs and happiness of a slave.  She gives him authority over her needs and happiness.  However, a slave is responsible to communicate those needs and feelings.  The limits of the Master become the limits of the slave.’ - Yup, this would be me. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘Often a slave is given great responsibilities within the relationship. They are given a general framework of limits and direction and expected to act within them using their own resources and abilities.  A slave is often asked to express her thoughts on issues or problems, but realizes that the final decision is always her Master’s. The decision made by her Master becomes absolute for her.’ – Yup, this would be me. Verdict for me? Slave
• ‘…the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts.’ – Nope, not me. When I do this I consider it bottoming, submission or slavery is not a part of it. Verdict for me? Slave

There is more, and I could go on and on. But this is really the way most of it seems to be going. Every single ‘hallmark of slavery’ (with the exception of no limits which I just personally do not believe exists for anyone) seems to be what I have been referring to as submission. So I should start calling myself a slave, yes?

Not really. The term slave, while now proven applicable, just doesn’t seem to fit me. Its like that dress you see and try on and, yeah it fits, but not as well as you’d like. And as someone told me whilst giving me shopping advice one day, ‘if you dont love it, dont buy it.’ I dont love the term slave for me. So I’ll keep my submissive moniker.

And really, all of this is for naught. These terms are fluid, personal, individual and ever changing. So in the end its what feels right for each person and all the rhetoric and dogma surrounding it just doesn’t matter. Be who you are and be happy in it. Let others be who they are and them be happy in that. Maybe your views don’t totally line up but.. now here is the REAL kicker for slavery: If what you do and how you identify pleases your Dominant/Sir/Master/Owner/Mistress/etc.. that other person’s views have no bearing on your dynamic, so go engage in and enjoy that dynamic in your way.

As my wise friend giving the workshop so eloquently summed all this up:

‘I am begining to wonder if the red herring in all of it is trying to compare D/s and M/s and whether that just muddles the thoughts – where a comparison between power exchange and non power exchange might lead to more interesting analysis??
D/s and M/s are like crunchy versus smooth peanut butter they are much the same and hard to distinguish and yet….some how different to those that are questing for one specifically.’

Amen. I used to be a smooth kinda girl, these days its crunchy. Either way its yummy and I’ll take more please and thank you.

~kim

kink_in_motion

Here is a shocking statement for you:  Bisexuality is a woefully misunderstood thing.

If you’re bi and you read that, chances are you are nodding your head and saying ‘well, duh..’. If you are not, you may very well be saying ‘whats so confusing? you like guys and girls.. duh..’

So just so as we are all on the same page for the purposes of this post, here are a few of the quandries we bi-folk face (this is in no way shape or form meant to be an exhaustive list):

• Do bisexuals actually even exist?
• Are bisexuals merely confused and will sort themselves out to one side of the fence or the other upon meeting a suitable partner based on the partner’s gender/sexuality?
• If I am a bi girl who chooses to be monogamous and who’s partner is a hetero, mono male.. can I still call myself bi? Or am I hetero in the eyes of society?
• If I am bi girl who chooses to be monogamous and who’s partner is a hetero, mono male am I doomed to be unfaithful to my partner because I will always feel a sense of longing to ‘make it with a chick, just one more time’?

And on and on ad infinitum.

The media doesn’t help things either. Us bi-folk would do well if the Megan Foxes of the world would just shut their air brushed and vapid pie holes and stop perpetuating the ‘ooh two chicks together is hot! two dudes together is disgusting!’ agenda of the post Girls Gone Wild era. The Grey’s Anatomy debacle was promising for a while, but of course it took a ’socially palatable lesbian archetype’ to maintain ratings so the butchier chick was axed. Even the L Word was rather destructive to bi girls. Alice started as a bi chick and over time morphed into the militant ‘you cant have it both ways, you have to choose!’ idiocy we see so much of in a culture based on binary in too many ways.

And then there was House. Oh Greg, how we do adore your acerbic wit and your Simpson’s like affinity for offending every single minority, affliction, view, religion, etc.. without exception. I do love a good equal opportunity offender. But, when the show got a bit stale they turfed the cute empathetic chick, which left a very un PC hole. Too much testosterone. Something had to be done.

We need a girl doc on set, STAT! Lo and behold we get 13. She gets to stay cause she’s pretty, Amber gets killed cause she isnt (and she had balls, cant have that now can we? I didnt like her, but theoretically she was right up House’s alley so the plotline of her getting fired made little sense). But we cant stop there! This is a whole new character! Lets mix it up a bit.. give her some weird yet tangible character flaws, maybe a disease.. OOH! I know! She has Huntington’s AND she swings both ways! Perfect!  It’ll placate the PFLAG crowd cause she’s bi but still appease the moderate conservative masses cause she’s only HALF gay and she’s gorgeous! Pretty people can do anything yanno.

I admit, I was excited when a bi girl finally had a fairly prominent role on a mainstream show. And I admit I think Olivia Wilde is smokin hot (its not for the reasons most do though, its her eyes that do it for me, and those eyes would captivate me just as much and most likley much more if they were on a person who looks like they actually eat pasta a few nights a week). But I also held my breath every week to see just which new and creative ways the execs and writers would fuck it up.

Had they just had her solve cases, give medical info and maybe every once in a while allude to her current significant other in a way that complimented the flow of things, I’d have been pleased as punch. To simply show a woman in an intelligent and capable capacity and flesh her character out in a way that only added to her intelligence and capability.. it sounds kinda boring but in truth, THAT would have been revolutionary television.

But oh no, we need high drama! And we made her bi, we should mine that for all its worth!

First it was just jokes. And they were damn funny too. House trying to get under her skin by cracking wise about muff diving and the like. She never flinched. Never let it get to her. Barely even acknowledged he’d said anything. Those lovely eyes of hers were perfect for not betraying her real thoughts on how her boss viewed her sexuality. I miss the good ole days. But the lack of context did come back to bite the show in its ass later. Had they set her up as a fully functional person capable of sustaining a connection with a person of any gender before they plunged her headlong into drama, things may have been different. But they didnt.

She went batshit insane over worring about her potential Huntington’s. To be fair, lots of us would go batshit insane upon facing that type of diagnosis. So she self destructed. Ok cool, decent plotline rife with angst and fear. I’m down with that. Afterall, I dont adore the Bell Jar for its breezy lightness. Now, how do we SHOW this self destruction? Partying, late nights, drugs and GIRLS! Because of course when you are worried that your life is ending, sex with chicks makes it all go away. Even better.. we can film it! And show it on an 8pm broadcast!  Life is SWEET!

If you are a House exec maybe.. if you are an actual bi girl? Well, I was insulted on both sides of this equation. To think the only reason I would seek out a chick to fuck is because I was in emotional turmoil is insulting to the part of me that likes chicks for the chicks themselves. To think that a chick would only fuck another chick because of late night, rave style partying complete with meth and extasy and her own emotional issues is offensive .  And of course the arc played out with 13’s chick fuck being gravely ill. The message? Being bi kills you, one way or the other. If you’re the pretty one, you get to stay.. again (but you stil have Huntington’s, so you’re gonna die eventually). If you’re the cute but not pretty geek girl, well.. you know the score by now dont you? We may let you live but you sure as hell aint becoming a recurrent character.

Moving on..sucks big time but this is TV, you didnt expect truth did you? Entertinament types like to excuse their laziness by dropping the term ’suspension of disbelief’ more than lolcat lovers adore bad syntax.

So, girl crush lust sated. We got to film the girl on girl stuff and people tolerated it but lets not push our luck. The writers are now thinking.. ‘well she is BI which means boys too.. hey Foreman hasnt had much to do in 2 seasons, whatcha say we put these two together depite lacking in every type of chemistry between them? AWESOME!’ Ok, trying to forgo the obvious ‘gods you guys are really only in it for money, arent ya?’ Lets focus on the good: bi girl chooses monogamy with a boy. Cool, lots of us have been down this path and it IS worth exploring so let’s see what happens.

They did a decent job of fleshing out some issues. The whole ‘I chose you, that doesnt mean i’ll never look at a chick again but i also chose to be faithful and you have nothing to worry about there’ thing. Similar things got explored and they even had relationship issues that had nothing to do with 13’s bi side. Ok THIS is good progress. And the jokes were funny too.

It couldnt last forever though. This week we got to play witness to the mother of all stereotypes when it comes to bisexuality. Foreman is upset about his job, 13 wants to make him feel better. So what does she do? Tells him stories of her sapphic escapades while at Sarah Lawrence. Oh.. dear.. gods.. Really? Sarah Lawrence? Well of course Sarah Lawrence, they grow lesbians there dont you know. She simply got out before the koolaid had fully steeped so she’s only partially gay. And the parts that are gay are only there to work as an erotic and distracting balm for the boy in his time of trouble.

I’m sure some are saying ‘oh, it isnt that big a deal, just a plot device, they were just being silly and maybe a little thoughtless, you should get over it.’ Oki dok then, let me ask you this: what would the reaction have been is instead of her saying ‘her name was Lindsey and she was a cheerleader..’ she had said ‘his name was Steve and he was a football player..’. Would you STILL have believed her story was told to make the BOY feel better?

Yeah, i thought not.

Which is ridiculous on a few levels.

One, that any talk of a person’s past conquests is a thing to cheer up a current lover. Talk compersion and lack of jealousy all you want, its VERY rare the person actually gets off on such tales. Tolerance and even a certain amount of happiness that your partner had a positive experience, yes. Wanting to know all the ins & outs of all the ins & outs, not so much. Although rule 34 tells me there is a fetish for it.

Two, that we are so programmed to think ‘talk of my girl gettin groovy with another girl would be hot’ while ‘talk of me or my guy getting groovy with another guy would make me lose my lunch’ is ok to have as a collective thought process. Yes collective. We are dealing with TV here which means they play the numbers… ergo, whatever most people think and will go out and buy products for after seeing an ad during the show then THAT’s where we are going to make the script go.

But mostly.. here is the big clincher.. and all you hetero males should brace yourself for quite a shock: girls who fuck other girls do not do it for your entertainment and arousal. I resent the FUCK out of it when I am teasing with a girl and a dude who happens to be in earshot (and may or may not be intimate with her as well) pipes in with ‘only if i can watch!’ Really? Thats the ONLY way you’ll ALLOW me to carry on is if you get to witness and / or participate? Why how gracious of you to offer, because of course we all know sex isnt really sex until a cock is involved. Where is the disconnect that says ‘girls cant possibly ONLY like girls for girls, even though I do’?

Now if said girl is in a D/s relationship (with the chick as the ’s’), that changes things. If he is her Dominant I respect that and do not try and force the issue. I also back off because of my own reasons. He is HER Dominant, not mine. The only people who dictate who I sleep with and how are me, her and MY Dominant. He does not get to exert his Dominance on me by proxy, period.I also back off  if it looks like the way things are progressing has any chance of causing problems in her relationship. I have zero desire to fuck up someone’s relationship just because I am horny.

But thats it as far as how a guy’s influnce will affect my giving myself the all clear to take a girl to bed. It has ZERO to do with how much pleasure any other person other than she & I will get out of the interaction. And I really, really dont think I am alone in this.

I think alot of hetero males WANT to believe they are a factor. I think some of them just like the flawed sense of power it implies. Others I think are genuine in thinking that it would be hot to watch but have no real agenda apart from their own hard on. We are visual beings after all and I get that. But if you think for a second that my sexual encounters will  in any way be swayed by what YOU prefer? Not a chance, sunshine. Not even on your birthday.

I have nothing against threesomes, foursomes, orgies, gang bangs, etc. Fantasies, yes. Grudges, nary a one. But thats to be undertaken with with the full consent of everyone involved and with a focus on mutual pleasure. Getting together with some lovely folks for a multiple partner fuckfest where everyone has a positive experience is a far cry from ‘you can fuck her, but only if i can watch!’ And its not done with the thought ‘hey, one day when my boyfriend is depressed I’ll cheer him up with this story!’ Its the intent that is the crux of the matter.

In short, the folks who run House had a very good platform on which to develop a character that explored bisexuality in a way that, while it wouldnt give definitive answers to the questions, would at least open the conversation up and give some folks a character they could relate to in a positive fashion.  Now they are in no way OBLIGATED to provide any of that. But its clear from some of the episodes that they have toyed with the idea and found it worthwhile enough to explore. Just not worthwhile to explore the actual issues instead of the het boy fantasy stuff.

Instead, they chose the easy way out: offering HBB wank material to the masses. I’m not surpised, I’m disappointed. The writing on that show (medical dilemmas and timelines notwithstanding, sorry but one does not get MRI scans back in 10 minutes even if you are God and in the American medical society that is so dependent on pre approval from insurance companies, you NEVER get to run that many bizarre and expensive tests) has been at times, way above average. They clearly have alot of talent in that writing war room. To see it so haphazardly swept aside in favor of ratings and ridiculous fantasies leaves me shaking my head and wondering if there is one corner of the world where truth and integrity are still part of the lexicon.

So rather than ranting more into the ether, I think I’ll go hit on that chick I’ve had my eye on for a while. Not because her boyfriend might like it, not because my boyfriend might like it and not because it gives me cool points. But because I actually want to, for ME. Maybe one day Hollywood will catch up to the reality.

~kim

Kink In Motion

(disclaimer – this is written from a bisexual female perspective and is heavily skewed as such. bisexual male portrayals in the media are just as valid and have their own issues worth exploring but are ones I cannot speak to from a personal level.)

Throughout this series we’ve examined what types of behaviours can be considered predatory, the effects such behaviours can have on its target, how it can be handled individually and as a community and other important facets of the discussion. These are all excellent dialogues to have but they have their root in one thing: a person. It’s a person/people who engage in these behaviours and send the cycle in motion. So how do you know who is who?

Below are some characteristics of some predators. This list is by no means all inclusive, you may encounter a whole new breed. Nor is it linear. The predators you encounter may display a few attributes from this one and a few from that one. The overarching themes are ones of self assigned entitlement of some kind, a lack of care for personal space and boundaries and varying types of manipulation. But at the very least this list may help you to begin to spot potential red flag characteristics to be watched and avoided.

Types of Predators:

• Chameleon Predator – in view of others they take great care in creating a persona that is one of restraint, respect and graciousness. Once alone with the target, their behaviour changes completely which may manifest in using offensive language, suggestive language, manipulation or threats, or unwanted physical contact among other things.
• Public Predator – overt and often ostentatious in their flirting, attempts at manipulation, humiliation or out and out lewd behaviour. Often using the people around them to enable and encourage the activity
• Adrenaline Junkie Predator – one who gets a rush out of harassing or humiliating their targets. The reaction of the target (including, but not limited to humiliation, embarrassment, becoming offended, anger, frustration, etc..) is what they seek and where they get their gratification. A non reaction may just encourage them to keep trying until they do get a reaction of some sort.
• Compensating Predator – these folks prey on others to boost their own egos. The smaller they can make you feel, the more important they feel they are.
• Pay for Play Predators – those who use their position or influence in an effort to make another do as they wish which may include play, sex or simply ‘taking’ the predatory behaviour without complaint. If the target does not comply with the situation, their position in the community, reputation or emotional or physical safety will be placed in jeopardy.
• Atypical Predator – these are the ones that leave their targets confused as to motivation based on a perceived lack of need to engage in such behaviour. Examples would include a Dominant who is well respected in the community, who has a primary SO, several less seriously committed partners and a seeming endless supply of partners for one time play. Why would they NEED to prey? The answer is a driving need for constant Domination at all times.
• The Passive Aggressive Predator – those who come on strong and then back off claiming it was all a joke, a misunderstanding or harmless flirtation if confronted. But are quite serious in their attempts to manipulate another into play, sex, etc.. if not ever confronted. ‘Oh I was just kidding, unless your answer is yes.’
• Quid Pro Quo Predators – an exchange of play or sex for a benefit of some kind (standing in the community, bragging rights, ownership, protection, entrance to events, etc..) is forcefully or subtlety demanded based on the aggressor’s standing in various hierarchical  dynamics (community, cliques, relationships, circle of friends, etc..). this varies a bit from the ‘Pay for Play’ type in that the Quid Pro Quo type often uses a negative threat to get his demands met rather than barter for a reward.
• Helpful Predator – These will try to create mentor-like relationships with their targets in an effort to mask their untoward intentions under the pretense of exemplary behaviour. They may take great pains to carefully build up an image beyond reproach so that people would find it hard to believe they would do anyone any harm. They plan their approaches carefully, strike strategically so that it is their word against that of their victims or even speak at length with the victim after the incident in an attempt to convince the victim of their being a non threat, confuse the events in the victims recollection or downplay the actual impact of the event
• Trying to fit in Predator – these are motivated by a desire to belong, because they see the activity as humorous and wish to be one of the cool kids, or trying to emulate a perceived proper way of behaving in an effort to gain favour from others. They may initiate or egg on  lewd comments, remarks on physical attributes, or other unwanted sexual attention. They may act individually in order to belong or impress the others, or as a part of a group by ganging up on a particular target
• Back Handed Predator – those who engage in predatory behaviour by utilizing a third party. Person A targets person B by either overtly flirting, complimenting, putting down, humiliating, harassing or fondling Person C in an effort to get a reaction (disgust, jealousy, feelings of belittlement or inferiority, etc..) from Person B
• Serial Predator – one who engages in one or a combination of predatory behaviour models on an ongoing basis rather than a one- time situational type event.
• Hands on Predator – these engage in actual physical contact with their targets at every opportunity. They will take it upon themselves to grope, grab, fondle, kiss, etc.. their targets without the consent of the target.
• Situation Manipulation Predators – these strategically utilize a change of venue to gain maximum opportunity to engage in predatory behaviour. If the parties normally meet at a munch or a party, this predator will arrange for a more ‘one on one’ environment to carry out their undesirable behaviour (coffee date, dinner, meeting at home. Etc..)
• Tit for tat Predator – inappropriate conduct is used to punish the victim for some perceived infraction, such as rejection of the predator’s advances, or making the harasser feel insecure about himself or herself or his or her abilities. The predator uses bad behavior to put the victim in his or her “place.”
• Insidious Predator – these predators try and make themselves seem like confidantes. They will approach their targets as friendly equals and share stories of their own lives and experiences in an effort to gain trust, admiration and sympathy and entice the target to share as well. All too soon the exchanges begin to take place in more intimate settings and the stories shared used as manipulative devices.
• Garden Variety Jerk – this guy is the ‘wont take no for an answer’ predator who will persist in his unwelcome advances no matter how poilitely, clearly, plainly and consistently he has been told that there is no interest from the other party.
• Smooth Talker – these predators rely on excessive ‘compliments’ and other word play that focuses almost solely on appearance and gender traits. The comments are out of context, over the top, offensive and embarrassing. They are often accompanied by sexually suggestive looks and body language.
• Maladroit Operator – These are socially awkward individuals who want the attentions of their targets even though the targets do not reciprocate these feelings. The often revert to a  display of a sense of entitlement, believing their targets should feel flattered by their attentions. When rejected, bullying methods as a form of revenge may be utilized.

At the core of the problem is the abuse of  power or authority. The dynamics involve an aggressor who holds a position of power over the victim. Predators may choose their victims based on such characteristics as age, perceived passivity or lack of assertiveness, lack of education or naiveté, low self esteem, and other areas of vulnerability. Despite the frequency with which these characteristics may be sought out, it is imperative to remember that people who have these characteristics cause the harassment or deserve to be harassed.
Predators may ‘test out’ targets with minor violations of interpersonal boundaries.

• they might tell sexual jokes or make sexual comments about their target
• display sexual/erotic materials, or ask questions about one’s sex life
• violate one’s personal space with touching and maintain that it is meant to be nonsexual
• make requests or demands that the potential victim meet him/her outside of designated places and times.

Predators often act dismissively or show a lack of regard for the feelings of their victims, even when assertive
attempts are made to put an end to the inappropriate behavior. When confronted about their inappropriate behavior, perpetrators of sexual harassment often act as if they are being victimized, or it is the victim who is at fault. This can be confusing for the victim, and might make her/him feel as if there is no basis for complaining about the behavior, feel as if they do not have the right to complain or feel guilty about trying to set limits or bringing an accusation against the predator.

This outlines some of the types of behaviours than can be used to possibly predict predatory behaviour. Its not a guarantee that you can avoid all negative interactions or that anyone exhibiting these behaviours is automatically a predator. This is information that you should integrate into your own mindset and make calls on in your own best interest.

For more information on this issue, I invite you to check out the first four installments in this series:

‘Morning After’ Regret – Fourth in a Series on Predatory Behavior

Personal Responsibility – Third in a Series on Predatory Behavior

The War Against False Entitlement – Second in a Series on Predatory Behavior

Defining It – First In a Series on Predatory Behavior

~kim

Kink In Motion

Sometimes there are benefits to being bored and randomly searching Fetlife. Lately I’ve been doing much pondering on what my role/label/status/what have you in relation to BDSM is. So whilst waiting for some post production work on some photos to render, I began browsing the Switches group on FL. I snickered from the irony as I scrolled down to this post by lil ole me exactly one year ago:

i’ve always been dominant in my day to day life, mainly out of necessity because if i wouldnt do things they just didnt get done.

so when i found kink, being submissive truly spoke to me. when i first got into it, i wanted NOTHING to do with being on top. i wanted to be used, owned, made to do things.. and i still do

but as time went on, it became more and more apparent i had switch leanings. i refused to even SAY the word switch for about 6 months. but friends kept asking me to top them and sometimes the thought appealed to me. then there are the toys and the skill. i wanted to learn something new, how to wield a flogger or a whip, how to construct a scene. A BDSM scene is equal parts artistry, skill and energy/connection for me.. and it is a constant challenge to just get better and better. i do love a good challenge

these days, its becoming increasingly apparent that i am really a submissive who enjoys being a service top, which looked at from the right angle is just one more extension of being submissive really.

so no big light switch for me, it was a gradual process and its still evolving. ask me in a year and who knows what i’ll identify as

I really should stop being so damn self prophetic.

So what DO I identify as? Hoo boy.. here we go..ready for the big year long build up?

No clue.

Depends on how you gauge it I guess. If you go by how I generally play in public I’m a top. Kind of a service top but not as much these days. These days its ‘I really wanna do this kinda scene.. you in?’ rather than a year ago when it was ‘oh you want xyz? i can do that!’ So if we are speaking of playing publicly I’d say top.

Then it gets fuzzy. I WANT to interact more in a submissive headspace but am finding that the pool of prospective partners narrows by the month for varying reasons. (sometimes it really is a shame BDSM is not more of a solitary activity). I could compromise a bit which would certainly ensure more frequent play but would feel much less authentic. And thats really where I crave it, in the realms of intensity, authenticity, power games and mind fucks. You dont let just anyone play there. So  I hold out for quality over quantity. My own requirements limit the field quite a bit and in the most frustrating turn of events ever, it seems my standards are also intimidating to many which all but obliterates the field entire. This has been extremely disheartening.

Private play has been not near as frequent as I’d prefer. At home I am always submissive/bottom. Always. Could not and would not ever switch on my primary. (That’s just for me/us, not necessarily applicable to anyone else). But life gets in the way as it is often want to do. External and internal relationship stressors have simply put play very low on the priority list. We can dream of Roissy all we like but as anyone whose been in this for a while can atest, sometimes reality and practicality intervene on our fantasy life.

So if you balance my actual play time vs my desire for headspaces I’d prefer to play in you get: switch. I am oddly quite back to where I started. It certainly took a heck of a lot of stuff to get right back where I began. Alot of growth, agonizing, processing, playing, talking, reading, nothing, and lots of stuff in between. I dare not ask where I will a year from now.. I fear it may just kill me yet! But at the very least it wont be boring.

May you live in interesting times.. and hopefully live to tell the tale.

As an unowned female is it automatically assumed at a kinky space that I am suppose to do whatever the Dominants want or am I allowed to assert boundaries ?

Absolutely not. YOU determine your boundaries and YOU ensure that they are enforced. That means THEY are to respect your boundaries but they cannot do that until YOU make them known and clear. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly we seem to forget the ‘C’ in SSC. Until you explicitly consented to be treated otherwise, you have every right to be treated how you’d expect a stranger in a bar, a bank teller, or a grocery store clerk would. This should be a given, but the SM community is no different than the community at large wherein people will push, subvert, manipulate and otherwise strain the boundaries of propriety out of some misguided sense of entitlement. Yes its sucks, but its also true. Its also true that noone is going to do the heavy lifitng for you.  Being owned or unowned does not change your status as a human being, nor does it affect your personal responsibilty. So figure out what your boundaries are and ways to communicate them to ensure you get treated the way you ought to be.

How would you handle an order to give your Dominant  oral sex under the table at a restaurant?

I’d tell that ‘Dominant’ to take a hike. Again, the ‘C’ in SSC is being grossly overlooked in this scenario. My refusal to engage in such a request has nothing to do with my limits, personal comfort levels, the depth of my submission or anything else. It has everything to do with the consent of those around me. Yes, the fantasy of giving head under a table in a resturant is a hot one. But its just that, fantasy. Next time you are sitting down to dinner in a resturant, look around at the patrons next to you. Do you REALLY wanna see Mr. Pervsalot be sucked off by Ms. Suxacok? Yeah, didnt think so. And they most likely have the same thought about you. Yes you are beautiful and special, just like everyone else. But unless its in a resturant you have rented out for the evening and sent the staff home (they dont wanna see it either, noone gets paid enough for that in the service industry) or you are in a space spefically designed to accomodate such goings on (read: kink events with rules stating that sex may be engaged in and overseen, enter at your own risk) keep your fantasies of public showings of your kink where it belongs: in your head, in your writing or in your bedroom.

Have you ever had period where the D/s aspect took a back seat for a bit and the Dom and sub interacted more like equals on a day to day basis?

Well, much as we may lament it at times, fact is none of us live in Roissy. And here in this wacky place I like to call ‘the real world’ (yeah I’m a true fringe kinkster) things happen that trump kink. Shocking, I know. I also know that there are those of you who are balking at me right now saying ‘Nooooo! Its my lifestyle! Nothing will EVER make me put it second!’ I applaud your enthusiasm and determination, but I’d also like to be there when the cops show up and you explain your lifestyle to them when they come to investigate because little Bobby told his teacher all about how awesome his parents are and that Daddy beats mommy with belts and big sticks till she cries and she cant wear tank tops in public and that even mommy says ‘Yes, Sir!’ in his house! Yes its extreme. But if you never plan for the extremes you are gonna be slapped with the cold hard wet fish of reality someday. Things happen, financial stresses, infidelity, changes in preferences, illnesses, on & on ad infinitum. Almost every ‘hard core’ D/s couple I know has gone through periods of ‘equality’ due to outside factors. Sometimes the D/s finds its way back, sometimes it morphs, sometimes its gone for good. None of these are inherently good or bad. BDSM is, if nothing else, an exploration. And as any good explorer will tell you, its about the journey, not the destination.

I’m kinky, most of the people I interact with (coworkers, family, etc.. ) are not. What do I say when they ask how I have been what I’ve been up to?

With as little information as possible. Well, first decide how much you want them to know. If its not much, which is often the case, then give yourself permission to answer without really answering. You are under no obligation to give any more detail than you wish to give. I run into this alot with family:

So, what did you do this weekend?

Not much, went to a party.

You sure go to alot of parties (said with an accusatory tone and raised eyebrow)

Yup! I have tons of great friends and they like to celebrate alot! What did you do this weekend?

Thats another one, misdirection. Turn the conversation back to them as soon as you can. If nothing else in this world is true, this is: people LOVE to talk about themselves. Use it to your advantage.

Other good ones I have heard: meetups for internet groups (most of us do spend a fair amount of time online) , book clubs (most everyone I know has a favorite passage from some BDSM related book), theatre groups (wardrobe, roleplay.. what we do IS quite theatrical you gotta admit), and the best one yet: Groups for People with Special Needs!

So I went  out this weekend and while we were dancing  a man (not my owner) slapped my ass so hard the people around us heard it and gasped. Normally I would have kicked him in the knees or screamed and stepped on his instep but a month after giving in to be owned and liking the being smacked hard by my owner I reacted totally differently.  I panicked, I got upset and I ran out . Now i worry that I cant defend myself like I used to…. any advice?

Yeah, grow a pair. Sorry to be so bitchy and blunt but good grief. I’ll grant you once you delve into submission you find out alot of things about yourself you never knew were there. But you are still YOU. Why would you NOT protect yourself now where you would have a month ago? A dead submissive is no good to any Dominant. Now regardless of your ‘being owned’ status my view is, unless you consented to that interaction its wrong and you should take appropriate measures. But, if you are struggling with it in context with your being owned look at it this way if it helps: as ‘property of some sort or another’ your job first and foremost is to protect your owner’s goods: you. In other words, its your number one priority to keep yourself in the best shape for your Dom at all times.

Allowing someone else to touch you

A) is an insult to you and your Dominant

B) could lead to physical harm to you ergo damaging Master’s goods and

C) can leave you mentally rattled for at least some period of time so that your effectiveness as a submissive is lessened.

NONE of these is in any way benefiting you or your owner.If you need an SM context to give you the justification for standing up for yourself, there it is in black and white. But my friend, it is my earnest hope that you will do so simply because wrong is wrong no matter if kink is involved or not and you deserve to be treated as such.

In the coming months Kink In Motion will be all over the place! Look for me at these and other events:

TEASE July 9-13, 2009:

What I’ll be doing:

Needle Play Exploratorium – where you can swing by and try out needleplay to see if you’d like to add that to your fetish cloud!

Drumming – Rhythmic Percussion – where you can volunteer to be delightfully drummed with rattan canes by myself and my partner David.

Switching Roundtable Workshop – where I’ll facilitate a discussion exploring the delights and challenges of being a switch in today’s scene.

Needle Play Workshop – where I’ll show you how to take your needle play scenes a step beyond the average poke!

Triple S Symposium September 24-27, 2009:

What I’ll be Doing:

• Communications #1- The Devil is in the Details- So you’ve learned ways to communicate your wants, needs and desires. Great! But now what? Learn how to master the art of ‘its not what you say but how you say it’, navigate the treacherous waters of the challenges inherent in an ongoing BDSM dynamic and how to use communication as a tool to ensure needs are met without falling prey to ‘topping from the bottom’. In this part presentation, part roundtable discussion style seminar we will explore all these elements and more to add to your toolbox of ways to improve your relationship.

• Post Play Priorities: Sub Space, Sub Drop and Top Space Explored - The scene doesnt end just because the last stroke has fallen. The intense change in headspaces that often accompany a scene can go far beyond the moments of the play itself and can have effects for extended periods. Understanding these headspaces, identifying needs that may arise post play and exploring post scene processing can lead to a deepening of intimacy and more rewarding scenes. This workshop will explore some of these headspaces from sub space to sub drop and even what your top may experience post scene as well.

• Negotiations – or ‘How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Negotiating Process’ - In this workshop we will examine ways to ask the right questions to better ensure you actually get that hot scene you have been fantasizing about all this time. We’ll even look at ways to determine if the top you’re in negotiations with is all that and a bag of chips, or a few fries short of a happy meal. Join us to learn ways to get the scene you want with the right one for you.

• Social Self Defense - In our lifestyle power is something we become intimately familiar with.  Power dynamics in non-BDSM relationships is often something that is either over looked or never communicated.   In our lifestyle it is of primary importance. When power is abused, it is a violation.  This violation is the reason for this workshop. The information provided here will help you learn how to deflect and deescalate unwanted advances in and out of ‘the scene’.

• Body Image and BDSM – Self analysis is often a path to greater fulfillment. But what happens with self analysis goes awry and leads us into the areas of low self esteem, insecurity and self loathing based on nothing more than our physical appearance? Nothing can wreck a scene or a dynamic faster and more completely than our own self criticism as to how we look. After all, its hard to fully engage in a scene and give our full attention to your top when you are anguishing over your Botecelli belly. Join us in this moderated roundtable discussion where we will explore these issues plus give voice to personal testimonies as to how we view ourselves vs how others see us, the effect low self worth can have and strategies for silencing those destructive thoughts.

Phoenix Niagara presents For PLAY: A Fetish Artisan’s Fair

Date: Saturday, October 31st, 2009  11am – 5pm

For PLAY is about bringing excellent products from skilled artists and craftspeople to the discerning consumer who’s looking for new kinky goods. We’re looking for those who would like to exhibit or vend their erotic fine art & photography, BDSM toys, fetish gear and attire.

What I’ll be doing: Pictures! Fetish and Portrait Photography. Some examples can be seen at www.kinkinmotion.bravehost.com

All that and more!

You can find me every week here at Whip Practice and maybe even a TV set near you soon! Stay tuned for details!

~kim

I have heard lots and lots of debates on the merits and drawbacks of safewords. Are they necessary, are they effective, is someone who yellows a wuss or are they a person in control of their own safety, etc, etc, etc. There are lots of good, intelligent, well articulated arguments for and against the use of safewords out there… this aint one of them.

Yellow is for people who don’t really want to let go of control, while pretending that they do.

First off, this is BDSM. We engage in varying degrees of role play frequently. Ever hear of consensual nonconsent? Rape fantasies? (emphasis on the fantasy part, please and thank you). So why the inherent sarcasm which seems to imply that anyone ‘pretending’ to relinquish control is somehow inferior to someone who ‘actually’ does?

(the ‘pretend’ and ‘actual’ are in quotations since the debate on what types of play and players are real and what aren’t is a chicken and egg deabte of the worst type and would need an entire website full of hundreds of entries to even begin to cover it. So we’ll just leave that for another blogger to cover and assume a level playing field here)

Why is one type of role play considered hot & another considered less than in some way? Whatever the reason, it’s silly. If we were in the business of doing things the way the majority rules there would most likely not be any BDSM in the first place. Let’s show some solidarity? Why the phrase ‘your kink isnt my kink but your kink is ok’ isnt just spouted but embraced remains beyond me. Long story short: your way works for you, their way works for them. What they do in no way directly affects you in any negative way so stop with the false superiority.

But more than that, calling yellow or at least knowing that you can and it will have the desired effect is not a placebo. Its a lubricant.It does not inhibit a scene, it allows it to happen in the first place.

In three years of being with my primary partner we scened countless times and I have called yellow once. In that same time I have bottomed to a dozen or more people at varying levels of intensity and have never called yellow. Yet every single time I’ve scened I know without hesitation that if i feel i NEED to call yellow, i can and it will be respected. Knowing you can press pause for half a second builds trust. Trust facilitates scenes.

If I call yellow it doesnt mean I end a scene. It means I am being an active, engaged, educated, empowered and respectful partner. It means I am making an attempt to give my top the valuable information they need as to how to proceed based on current conditions. Once they have that information THEY can decide whether to stop completely, change intensity or change the direction of the scene entirely. I am providing, THEY are deciding. At that point I neither want to be nor am in control over anything other than the dissemination of information.

An argument can be made much more effectively that when I call RED I have some control over the scene. Red ENDS a scene. We arent talking about red, thats a whole other show.

The calling of yellow is the equivalent of being a meteorologist. You want to go on a picnic, so you check the weather. The weather dude says there is a 75% chance of rain so you decide to stay indoors. So did the channel 4 weather guy make you stay home? Did he have some power over you, did he control your actions? Of course not. YOU made the decision based on the information available. The meteorologist was a conduit at best.

If you go round blaming the weather man everytime you dont get to enjoy outdoor recreation based on a weather prediction, you may well be just a generally unhappy person all round due to near constant feelings of victimizatrion and powerlessness.

That certainly would explain the derision in the original statement.

Use safewords, dont use safewords. personally i think they are useful and often necessary. But I am not in your scene so my views are of little import in that regard other than to educate those who wish to hear my opinion so that they might integrate that information into their own decision. But looking down on those who play differently than you do is not only comically arrogant, it often exposes the espouser as the threatened individual he or she really is.

Pot, meet kettle……

Recently a friend of mine had to have some surgery and came out of the experience bemoaning the bruises and pain she experienced as the result of a botched IV line placement. Not an uncommon experience really, but this one takes on a bit of a twist once you are armed with the knowledge that this particular friend is a bona fide needle slut. She is one of two needle bottoms I’ve played with who actually buzz and glow (yup, I said glow. its a lovely thing to see) when you poke them. So I couldnt help but giggle a bit as she relayed her intense distaste at the IV debacle and said, ‘Well, there you have the difference between good pain, and not good pain.’

So what IS the difference? Well in this case the actual equipment and method of ‘delivery’ used had alot to do with it. A 22 gauge needle tunneled under your skin for 1.5 cm feels ALOT different than an 18 gauge cannula threaded through your vein. I’m sure there are some who love the feel of this, but even some of the most seasoned masochists I know will generally scoff and run at mention of an IV when they will vibrate giddily at the thought of needle play (for those into such things of course).

But more than the clinical paraphranalia, the headspace and connection is generally what will differentiate an medically necessary procedure  from a BDSM scene. In our case, we are great friends and frequent lovers. I know that she gets an instant and intense  rush and spaces right out as soon as I pierce her skin. I enjoy both the pain I cause her and the knowledge that I gave her that high. I know her body and how she will react when I pierce certain areas, she knows my breath on her skin as I lean over to penetrate her flesh with sharp, pointy things. There is an exchange, a give and take, and then a take and give. Eyes lock then focus, smiles flash, moans and sighs escape, all five senses are given music to dance to. At the end of it all, you get a heightening of the senses, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of endurance, a sense of self and of connection to another.

And if you are very lucky, you get an amazing visual:

~kim

Kink In Motion

A little while back a friend who is somewhat newish to BDSM asked for help with an ‘assignment’ she was to complete for a new potential Dominant. (note: she wasn’t asking me to ‘complete’ the task, only for related resources)

The task was to ‘define the pros and cons of cruelty in BDSM’. Now the FIRST thing I told her was to clarify what it is he was asking. Did he mean physical pain? Humiliation? Discipline? I tend to equate the word ‘cruel’ with ‘heartlessness, brutality and abuse’. To me, this is a very different thing than your average sadistic act in a BDSM sense. I get that sadists enjoy inflicting pain and to many THAT in and of itself is ‘cruel’. But I am coming at this from a BDSM standpoint where a measure of acceptance in regard to one causing pain/discomfort is implied. To me adding ‘cruelty’ to the mix implies stepping over the line. As in, I enjoy being hurt in the form of a flogging. That would be BDSM. Adding metal spikes to the ends of the flogger tails to cut me open ‘just cuz’ would be cruel. So this is where I was coming from when I gave her this reply:

Discipline is VERY different from cruelty in my opinion. In BDSM the ‘generally’ accepted idea (nothing is ever universally agreed upon) is the idea that a Dom wants things done in a certain way and sets up a structure for that. The sub is given ample instruction and time to master the thing. After that if she falls down on the job for whatever reason a measure of discipline is enacted to correct the behavior. For example: he wants you to kneel at the door every time he comes in from work. You forget and are online when he comes in a few days in a row, so he takes your online privileges away for a few days to enforce the importance of him over your interests. Generally, the best disciplinarians know that the best way to reinforce the desired result is to have the consequences be directly related to that result. Discipline CAN be physical but is generally not the best way to go for a few reasons:

• Its negative reinforcement which generally breeds resentment and fear rather than learning and respect
• Its counterproductive with a masochist and can lead to ‘topping from the bottom’ and manipulation so that the sub doesn’t do tasks on purpose just to get the pain. Some dynamics enjoy this and if so that’s cool, but then its really more a form of a specific play style than discipline.

Cruelty often goes hand in hand with anger and one should never engage in ANY BDSM (physical or mental) when angry, ever. Plus the term cruelty has a connotation that implies a measure of nonconsent, which also is NEVER cool.

Cruelty does not always equate to a measure of physical pain. I’d consider being made to eat vomit to be unusually cruel even though it technically wouldn’t cause me near as much physical pain as being single tailed. So again, clarification would be needed but I’d still not be on board with the whole ‘cruel’ concept.

In regard to humiliation, this should ALWAYS be communicated and negotiated. If this is what he meant with this assignment then it could be a good jumping off point for communication on the matter but would still require more information before assimilated into the dynamic. Humiliation can be a very tricky thing and a thing that can scar a person quicker and deeper and with longer lasting effects than a physical mark ever could. If all parties decide this is a thing to engage in, it STILL (in my opinion) should not be done with  ‘cruelty’ as the motivation. There are a thousand ways you can be ‘evil’ (in the playful sense of the word) without being ‘cruel’. That is far more healthy and to be honest much more fun!

As far as pros and cons.. ok maybe I am too smart for my own good here but what cons if this is what has been agreed upon? When I submit I want to please my Sir. If it pleases my Sir to have me disciplined and isnt breaking any of my hard limits then I do it unquestioningly (after a period of negotiation and communication and establishing a high level of trust where in I am assured that my best interests are always being looked after). Perhaps he is asking for YOUR pros and cons? If so, you dont need resources for that. That requires self exploration and introspection that cannot be found on any website or in any book.

~kim

Kink In Motion

This is a reactionary piece, one written in response to something my Dominant wrote a couple of months back. (Why dont Dominants write more anyway? It would be oh so helpful!)

I love the idea of a body slave. Someone whose sole job it is to provide for the ease and comfort of ones bodily health. I am attracted to that type of service because it is very freeing to me to be able to have some one else take care of those daily routines that are so… daily. The idea that it is someones duty and pleasure to fulfill that role fascinates be. I find it hard to let go of my own self care. It almost seems overly decadent to allow that type of service but that is what arouses me most about it.

His writing:

The body slave, domestic servant or intimate care taker?

I love the idea of a body slave. Someone whose sole job it is to provide for the ease and comfort of ones bodily health. I am attracted to that type of service because it is very freeing to me to be able to have some one else take care of those daily routines that are so… daily. The idea that it is someones duty and pleasure to fulfill that role fascinates be. I find it hard to let go of my own self care. It almost seems overly decadent to allow that type of service but that is what arouses me most about it.

In my life I am lucky to already have a measure of that, a partner , a submissive that tends to my domain. Looking after the details of daily living while I am either at work or relaxing. But there is more to be had and more I want to indulge in. I want my clothes laid out for me in the morning, I want my boots tied for me before I leave, I want the pampering of a massage or my hair washed for me. The idea that she looks to my needs in such a intimate fashion is a lovely image. While I know that in life having all those details looked after is daunting to say the least, and unlikely when you have as busy lives as we do, there is something decadent about taking that time for nothing more than personal pleasure.

Service is such a broad subject and seen in so many different ways but the intimate nature of my idea of the ‘body slave’ stirs my mind towards thoughts of roman rule, of noble (or ennoble) houses. It inspires an urge in me to take more for myself to indulge my appetite and have all my bodily needs looked for, perhaps not all the time but surely more often than I do now.

Now my turn:

Well if I am being cheeky i’d say, ‘Well i already am!’ But thats not really the best attitude nor is it really speaking to the spirit of what he wrote. It also doesnt help either of us flesh out or roles in this area, so ‘lets do that then,’ as Dr House would say (total Dom, that one).

First, yes it does seem decadent. But that’s part of what fascinated so many of us about Roissy or The Marketplace. It wasnt JUST the brocade and leather that reeked ‘decadent’. I always pictured Stephen or Chris Parker sitting there with a wry look that said, ‘Yes of course i can do all of this stuff for myself, that’s rather not the point is it?’ And its that LOOK that’s so damn sexy in it’s smugness. You hate it, but you love it and more, you lust after it. It also leads me back to where it is I seem to always end up with all things BDSM: theory and psychology.

WHY is that look so sexy? Same as it is with any D/s practice at its core: in that one look everyone knows the score. He’s got you. He knows it, you know it, you chose it and it turns you both on. It always makes me giggle. You say BDSM and people get images of women writhing in chains, screaming as some Dom beats her. Oh thats hot allright, and definitely has its place. But ask anyone who’s been on the receiving end of both ‘the lash’ and ‘the look’ as to which one is more intense. Psychology wins every time, hands down (or, tied down preferably).

But back to decadence: why does it feel that way? Well because how much effort does it really take to tie your own shoes or pick out your own clothes? We dont live in 1700’s France at Versailles. We’ve had it pounded into our heads that you learn to do for yourself, take care of yourself, take responsibility, get a job, change your oil, pick yourself up by your bootstraps, etc. At varying points for varying degress of royalty having someone dress you was routine. Now it seems almost silly. The silly is what makes it decadent, and an act of service. Because it IS so easy to do for yourself, to have someone willing to do it for you is powerful. In this case its the lack of energy and the abundance of enthusiasm in the doing of the task that is so alluring, for both sides.

Yeah, I said it: alluring. I’m nowhere near the worlds best service submissive (if there is such a thing) and not every activity is for everyone, but I can definitely see the appeal in this case. Here’s why (and since its me it takes a bit of a journey to come right back to the starting point so be warned):

The books that turn me on are the ones that tend to explore the psychology of why this stuff turns us on. The ones where ‘Maria wondered why his smile at her taking so much pain filled her with pride’ rather than ‘jennifer’s ass was a mess of bloody welts as he beat her mercilessly and laughed at her discomfort’. That type thing. Those sorts of books also usually have ‘quieter’ scenes. Ones where the sub polishes boots, serves drinks, dresses as they are told, etc. That’s where the psychology really shines. Why would you scrub a toilet with a toothbrush? Quite simply, because someone is being pleased by it. You, your Dom, or both (both works best imo).

So I look at one of those scenes and try and picture it. She’s lacing his boots, taking her time, getting the knot ‘just so’, making sure the shine is right, its a whole production. She is focused and doing all the ‘work’ (seriously how strenuous is it to lace a shoe?) and he’s doing nothing but watching. Giving that wry grin and being pleased. It has an inherent erotic appeal to it, one being completely ’seen to’ by another much like a hot sex fantasy. So I think of all this, and get all lost in it. Then I put my Dom’s face in his and BLAM!

Call it role play, call it fantasy, call it whatever, but its powerful. BDSM is all about power. Its also hot, of which SM has its fair share.

Told ya, 3 paragraphs to come right back home.

But I seem to have painted the impression that I dream of this as how I’d like life to be 24/7. Well, honestly it wouldnt be so bad, but I just cant see it holding its appeal that way. He spoke of busy lives and aint it the truth. Ideally we’d be independantly wealthy. I’d do all this scurrying and dressing and lacing so he could look his finest before he headed to the club for a drink to discuss important matters. There’d be plenty of time and energy for elaborate rituals and decedant living. Yeah not so much with the realistic. Realistically if I was ordered to do a full ‘body slave’ scene every day two things would happen:

1) I’d get burned out. I do adore having a set structure, but having THAT many tasks in a day would basically leave me no ‘me’ time. I know that shouldn’t be my primary concern, did ya miss up there where I said I wasnt the best sub? But its a real and practical concern. What if I was really tired, or sick, or had a zillion things to do that day bit no matter what I had to get that done? I’d snap a synapse. Part of the appeal is in the expectation and routine, but there has to be some flexibility. If not I’d get grouchy, pissy, do a bad job, and ultimately grow resentful. Thats a freaking death sentence there. Its like falling out of love with someone, its almost impossible to get it back.

2) It would lose its hotness. It sounds so dreamy to think of having these rituals to do every day. And for a while it would be awesome. A while to learn it, a while to enjoy the newness of it, a while to revel in the structure of the routine. Bit one day the routine turns into routine. What was once exciting and thrilling is now everyday and commonplace. That pleased look that was so hot? Well now you’ve seen it a few hundred times, its lost its new car smell.

In short (too late!) the idea does appeal to me and I think it would make for some very hot scenes. I’m all for hot scenes so lets do it! But while I’d of course be open to making a daily ritual, I dont expect that it would be something that would hold my interest indefinitely on a continuous basis.

Also there’s this: It inspires an urge in me to take more for myself to indulge my appetite and have all my bodily needs looked for, which I originally interpretted as ‘bodily needs’, hmmm, he wants more sex! Yes please! Then I reread the whole sentence. I think it means ‘clip my toenails’ instead. Damn.